Excuse my use of the English language for just one quick moment but...
Healing ain't free
Consider the person who you spend the most time with trying to help them through their challenges. Think about the advice you gave them time after time again. Evaluate how they used that advice and whether things changed.
If your friend or loved one took your advice and things got better, that means they paid a price. It was not enough to continue doing the same thing and simply hoping everything else would change.
The change came from paying a cost.
The change came from doing something different.
The change came from accepting some discomfort.
And for your loved ones who are still in the same cycles year after year?
They were not willing to pay the cost. It's that simple. Healing is going to cost you. It is going to require confrontation of your beliefs. It's going to challenge your perspective. It's going to require decisions that reverse the tide.
And until we pay that cost...
Nothing changes.
Secure your own mask before assisting others
And it doesn't matter how much everybody else wants healing for you. . .
Or how much you want to help someone else heal . . .
Your healing is YOUR choice. Their healing is THEIR choice. And you are the only one who can pay the price for your healing. Attempting to subsidize another person's healing only leaves you emotionally bankrupt if they are not vested in their own process.
And when a person is ready to put in the effort, everything else around them adjusts to their new pace.
HUGS,
I was a drama queen. But I couldn't quite be apologetic about it. Being naturally expressive and emotional, I justified my sensitivity whenever someone would trigger my fear or insecurity. But then I discovered something super simple yet extremely powerful.
Your feelings do not define "the truth."
This was a game changer. When I believed my feelings represented an accurate version of the facts, I defined everyone else, everything they said, and even their intentions based on what I *felt.* So if I felt rejected in the moment, then that meant *you meant to* reject me. If I felt insecure, the reason I attached to the feeling was *you do not accept me as I am.*
I talk about this in my book, how Shrek encouraged us all to be super comfortable in our *ogre form* of unhealed trauma.
Don't go changing to try to please me....
But Shrek's serenade to the princess was only partly true. Nobody should feel pressured to change for the purpose of trying to please another person. This is great foundation for all intimate relationships. You cannot be someone you're not and expect someone else to finally accept you.
Yet, simply inviting the princess to remain in her ogre form left her without accountability for areas where a little introspection goes a long way.
Change from being easily triggered because you desire healing. Heal because you desire the peace it brings.
And that brings me to the scissors and the watering can.
Cutting away lies
I learned to tell myself the truth--to be brutally honest about myself, I began to see a little more clearly. I cut away the lies. Lies that assumed another person's bad intention because of my feelings when I was triggered or felt threatened. Eventually, I cut away most assumptions I held onto about people. Those assumptions were my security blanket, a protective mechanism, to explain away my hurt feelings without taking a more thorough inventory why did that hurt me this way?
Watering truth
Next, after cutting away the weeds of my belief system that did not serve me, I planted new seeds of truth. I learned to speak to myself the things that I longed for others to say. Soon, by affirming myself, I simply taught everyone else around me how to treat me better. Taking the lead in *how to love me* is a frightening endeavor. But if I'm not the one to step up to the plate, I potentially doom myself to spend the rest of my days waiting for someone else to love, nurture and cherish me.
Cut and water. Repeat.
I want to encourage you today. Maybe you have felt nobody else truly values you. Perhaps you have been busy speaking, yet it seems nobody is listening. You may even feel invisible, or alone in a room full of strangers...
You have all the power you need to show up for yourself. You can begin telling yourself the truth and cutting away your doubts, fears, and the lies you've told yourself. Clear the ground of your new garden. Plant desireable seeds--your favorite truths, hopes and dreams. Water your seeds each and everyday. Before you know it, others in your life will be attracted to the beautiful smell of your blossoms and the sweet aroma of fresh new fruit.
Before you know it, you become a whole honey blossom.
Be kind to yourself
And the same way flowers take time to grow and blossom, your new mindset--your garden of loving truth--will take a season or two to fully grow in the way you want it. But I promise you it will be worth your effort, time, and energy.
And you will be surprise how others can't help but enjoy more of your awesome. Inspire them to join your party and experience your newfound joy, laughter and peace.
Hugs,
Nearly ten years ago, I learned the word "narcissist." It was a fascinating discovery. At the time I was engaged in endless power struggles with my husband. As far as I was concerned, he definitely lacked empathy. The more I brought it to his attention, the more he seemed to suck the life out of me, triggering anger and feeding off my emotional energy.
I downloaded articles. I read books. I discovered an entire world of social media that diagnosed the solution: LEAVE. The only way to treat narcissism is to get as far away from the cold, heartless, energy vampire as possible.
The other paradigm I found extremely interesting was that most people who discovered they were in narcissistic cycles also self-identified as "empaths." I, too, was empathic. The entire framework that explained how empaths attract narcissists simply made too much sense to ignore. I was convinced. I had finally figured out what was wrong with my marriage. I was an empath married to a narcissist. So, the next obvious solution was to leave my emotional vampire in the dust.
Yet something was "off" about this analysis. It was somehow too scripted, too convenient. I scrubbed the internet to find if there was any hope of healing a narcissist. Finally, I found a therapist who took the position that it was possible to heal a narcissist. But there were certain limited conditions that would make it work. He agreed with the prevailing professional prognosis. However, he carved out anarrow exception that did not doom all marriages like mine to the eventuality of divorce.
Okay, so I discovered an anomaly of sorts. But now what? I was disconnected from my husband in every way--emotionally, physically and spiritually. Certainly, my life could not be doomed to endless emotion-draining abuse. Could it?
Well, I decided that if the narcissist represented an "emotional vampire," then I would simply stop feeding him emotions. Wouldn't that make sense? The problem was that, when triggered, I was emotionally reactive. I simply could not help myself. I believed this was simply my personality. But I deperately needed to starve my vampire of emotional energy supply.
So, I continued my research and encountered the writings of James Allen. I consumed the first book, As a Man Thinketh with an unmatched ferocity. I listened to it during my morning commute to the office. I played it in the background as I worked. I ate lunch with it. I fell asleep listening to this book dozens and dozens of times. The wisdom made so much sense: If I THINK I' m an empath that has attracted an emotional vampire, then I am correct.
When I made this connection between my thoughts, beliefs, and reality, the game completely changed. I returned to the idea of my self-identity as an "empath." What began to trouble me was the construction of the empath-narcissist dynamic. When I analyzed this framework more closely, the prevailing advice made all empaths "victims" and narcissists "vampires." When I confronted this paradigm with a new perspective, the bottom line was that I had agreed to be a victim, little red riding hood. And by accepting that framework, I developed the belief system that my husband was simply the big bad wolf.
Yeah. No. I'm not doing that anymore.
The problem with the prevailing argument, psychological framework concerning the empath-narcissist connection is that it is based on part truth, part lie. The way I like to think of it is that if you take a clear glass of clean water and then take one drop of sewage and mix it into the water, the whole glass is polluted. One drop of filthy water is not going to turn all of the water brown. But I have never met anyone who would be willing to drink from a glass of water they knew had a single drop of sewage in it.
The same goes for the empath-narcissist construct. It has a drop of sewage. A small dose of missing information that makes its analysis, diagnosis, and prognosis unreliable.
And I'm here to tell you that had I not found that lone voice in the world wide web who had a difference of opinion, I would have drunken the entire glass of clear poopy water.
I' m here to tell you that I healed a narcissist.
And that narcissist was MYSELF.
And once I got serious about piecing together the truth of my identity, the truth that I did not NEED my husband for happiness, the truth that the conflict in our relationship originated with the conflict within MYSELF...
My husband began to empathize with me.
Let's be very clear. I'm not a licensed mental health professional. I'm simply a reformed, mental health patient. As a pastor and legal professional, I have simply insisted on identifying the evidence of healing in my own life so that I can share the process with others.
Do I believe there is a condition that is clinically classified as narcissism? Yes.
Do I believe that condition is very serious and debilitating? Yes.
Do I believe, after counseling thousands of people in family crisis that most complaints of narcissism are the extreme clinical diagnosis as defined by clinical licensed mental health professionals? Absolutely not.
I healed my narcissist by healing ME.
And now, there are two voices in social media shouting to you. I will just encourage you to turn your focus away from trying to heal the person you have identified as an emotional vampire. Instead, especially if you self-identify as an empath, I encourage you to turn all of your extreme love, affection, and commitment towards uncovering and healing the broken spaces of your own heart.
That's how I healed.
That's how I reconnected with the love of my life.
That's how I erased our family from the divorce playbook.
HUGS,
Nearly ten years ago, I learned the word "narcissist." It was a fascinating discovery. At the time I was engaged in endless power struggles with my husband. As far as I was concerned, he definitely lacked empathy. The more I brought it to his attention, the more he seemed to suck the life out of me, triggering anger and feeding off my emotional energy.
I downloaded articles. I read books. I discovered an entire world of social media that diagnosed the solution: LEAVE. The only way to treat narcissism is to get as far away from the cold, heartless, energy vampire as possible.
The other paradigm I found extremely interesting was that most people who discovered they were in narcissistic cycles also self-identified as "empaths." I, too, was empathic. The entire framework that explained how empaths attract narcissists simply made too much sense to ignore. I was convinced. I had finally figured out what was wrong with my marriage. I was an empath married to a narcissist. So, the next obvious solution was to leave my emotional vampire in the dust.
Yet something was "off" about this analysis. It was somehow too scripted, too convenient. I scrubbed the internet to find if there was any hope of healing a narcissist. Finally, I found a therapist who took the position that it was possible to heal a narcissist. But there were certain limited conditions that would make it work. He agreed with the prevailing professional prognosis. However, he carved out anarrow exception that did not doom all marriages like mine to the eventuality of divorce.
Okay, so I discovered an anomaly of sorts. But now what? I was disconnected from my husband in every way--emotionally, physically and spiritually. Certainly, my life could not be doomed to endless emotion-draining abuse. Could it?
Well, I decided that if the narcissist represented an "emotional vampire," then I would simply stop feeding him emotions. Wouldn't that make sense? The problem was that, when triggered, I was emotionally reactive. I simply could not help myself. I believed this was simply my personality. But I deperately needed to starve my vampire of emotional energy supply.
So, I continued my research and encountered the writings of James Allen. I consumed the first book, As a Man Thinketh with an unmatched ferocity. I listened to it during my morning commute to the office. I played it in the background as I worked. I ate lunch with it. I fell asleep listening to this book dozens and dozens of times. The wisdom made so much sense: If I THINK I' m an empath that has attracted an emotional vampire, then I am correct.
When I made this connection between my thoughts, beliefs, and reality, the game completely changed. I returned to the idea of my self-identity as an "empath." What began to trouble me was the construction of the empath-narcissist dynamic. When I analyzed this framework more closely, the prevailing advice made all empaths "victims" and narcissists "vampires." When I confronted this paradigm with a new perspective, the bottom line was that I had agreed to be a victim, little red riding hood. And by accepting that framework, I developed the belief system that my husband was simply the big bad wolf.
Yeah. No. I'm not doing that anymore.
The problem with the prevailing argument, psychological framework concerning the empath-narcissist connection is that it is based on part truth, part lie. The way I like to think of it is that if you take a clear glass of clean water and then take one drop of sewage and mix it into the water, the whole glass is polluted. One drop of filthy water is not going to turn all of the water brown. But I have never met anyone who would be willing to drink from a glass of water they knew had a single drop of sewage in it.
The same goes for the empath-narcissist construct. It has a drop of sewage. A small dose of missing information that makes its analysis, diagnosis, and prognosis unreliable.
And I'm here to tell you that had I not found that lone voice in the world wide web who had a difference of opinion, I would have drunken the entire glass of clear poopy water.
I' m here to tell you that I healed a narcissist.
And that narcissist was MYSELF.
And once I got serious about piecing together the truth of my identity, the truth that I did not NEED my husband for happiness, the truth that the conflict in our relationship originated with the conflict within MYSELF...
My husband began to empathize with me.
Let's be very clear. I'm not a licensed mental health professional. I'm simply a reformed, mental health patient. As a pastor and legal professional, I have simply insisted on identifying the evidence of healing in my own life so that I can share the process with others.
Do I believe there is a condition that is clinically classified as narcissism? Yes.
Do I believe that condition is very serious and debilitating? Yes.
Do I believe, after counseling thousands of people in family crisis that most complaints of narcissism are the extreme clinical diagnosis as defined by clinical licensed mental health professionals? Absolutely not.
I healed my narcissist by healing ME.
And now, there are two voices in social media shouting to you. I will just encourage you to turn your focus away from trying to heal the person you have identified as an emotional vampire. Instead, especially if you self-identify as an empath, I encourage you to turn all of your extreme love, affection, and commitment towards uncovering and healing the broken spaces of your own heart.
That's how I healed.
That's how I reconnected with the love of my life.
That's how I erased our family from the divorce playbook.
HUGS,
I often meet people who are stuck in "the valley of indecision." For many, the inability to make a decision is often due to worries about appearances. What would my family think? How is everyone else going to be impacted by this choice?
Ordinarily, I am in favor of considering the needs of others. However, for too many people--especially women of faith--everyone else's needs become a major stumbling block. We remain in painful marriages for the sake of our children. we "stick it out" in unproductive relationships because we do not want to devastate the expectations of our community. And while these are noble considerations for someone who is considering their options for getting unstuck from a frustrating situation, they should not be determinative.
Especially if you are not telling yourself the truth.
Many women of faith who interface with my legal practice are very sincere towards everyone else in their lives. The problem is that they have not first served that same energy, passion and intentionality to be sincere with themselves. I recently had this conversation with another mom about this aspect of life as a modern woman. The way she illustrated the situation was so beautifully said:
"You know how we are as women. We set ourselves on fire to keep everyone else warm."
She nailed it with this statement.
But why do we do this? I made a trip to the grocery store this morning. Side note: Publix radio always leaves me with songs stuck in my head LOL. They began playing Whitey Houston's "I'm Every Woman." I began singing and bopping as I did my shopping, "It's all in meeeee...."
And then I stopped cold. Why am I EVERY woman? Why is is ALL in me?
See, this is the problem. Somewhere in our lives, we got the wrong signal. We were taught that we are supposed to be "every" woman. We are supposed to make money, raise the kids, and keep our house. We are supposed to contribute to society, nurture everyone else, and somehow have enough left over to give our husbands a warm greeting at the end of each day.
Ladies...we are doing too much.
And too often, we keep pushing ourselves even when all of our internal signals are screaming "slow down." We keep it moving, imagining how the world will fall apart if we are not on assignment for the thousands of moving pieces of our lives.
I'm crying out to you if you have been feeling tired. I'm reaching out to you if you have been crying yourself to sleep at night. If you feel trapped between taking care of yourself and everyone else, I'm here to unburden you with this one truth...
You have not been keeping it real.
You have picked up burdens you do not need to carry. You have not been totally honest with yourself. Pretending to be okay when you are not will not serve everyone else who you keep showing up for. And if you want to be an awesome wife, mother, boss, or friend, then you must first show up for yourself.
And tell yourself the truth.
Are you keeping it real? Are you performing for acceptance? What are you afraid of?
And while I cannot promise things are going to change overnight for you, I can promise you this: If you continue confronting yourself, you will get unstuck. You will encounter your true motivations. You will find peace.
And when you find peace, you can make the hard decisions regardless of what everyone else thinks. You will stop being a prisoner to everyone else's expectations. You will heal.
Hugs,
