I chose a profession fueled by people fighting one another. It would be a stretch to say, “I’ve seen it all.” But after more than fourteen years as a legal professional, let’s just say, I’ve seen a lot when it comes to the way people who love each other fight one another. What’s most gut-wrenching about family conflict is how often both sides genuinely want the same thing. The real problem lies in the unspoken assumptions we carry about intimate conflict—assumptions that often do more harm than good. These assumptions create distance rather than connection. They increase misunderstanding rather than clarity. But when we understand the rules of engagement—and practice them—we become better equipped to advocate for our needs while inviting others into deeper intimacy with us.
Are You Combative or Avoidant?
We each have a certain style—predictable patterns of reaction in conflict. Some people are avoidant, preferring to stay in safe, predictable spaces while minimizing unpleasant interactions. Others are more confrontational, insistent upon resolution as quickly as possible. In my work, I often see avoidant partners navigating conflict with combative partners. Invariably, avoidant partners frustrate their counterparts by "running away" from the fight. Meanwhile, confrontational partners often frustrate avoidant ones by demanding engagement before their partner has processed their own thoughts and emotions.
Recognizing differences in your fighting styles isn’t about winning. An avoidant person can easily be perceived as "weak" for taking time to reengage, while the combative may seem like the "adult" willing to have the difficult conversation. But the truth is, both styles have roots in personal development, including areas of arrested growth. Identifying your fighting style is the first step toward greater awareness. Neither style is right or wrong—they are simply different. You might even embody both styles depending on the circumstances. Awareness of your fighting style—its strengths and weaknesses—creates space for empathy instead of judgment when your partner’s style triggers you.
Rule of Engagement: Facts Over Feelings
It’s tempting to stereotype: women as emotional, men as logical. But all intimate conflict involves emotion—on both sides. The tension begins when emotions override the facts. Avoidant partners may retreat to process thoughts and feelings. Confrontational partners may dismiss those feelings in pursuit of swift resolution, often driving the avoidant partner further away.
Pause!
If you find yourself stuck between avoidance and engagement, there is hope. Early in my marriage, my husband and I were introduced to the “time-out” method: a default 15-minute break to gather our thoughts during conflict. But when we began practicing it, 15 minutes was not enough time for me—the avoidant partner. Years of compounded misunderstandings required more time to sort through the myriad of complex emotions that surfaced in conflict. Over time, with mutual agreement, we learned to create safety for me while honoring my husband’s need for resolution. These small agreements eventually shortened our recovery time and helped us move from emotional reactivity to factual clarity.
We Schedule the Important Things, Right?
Set a time and place to talk about your fighting styles. If you relate more to the "combative" type who wants to "get it over with," ask yourself: At what point do I become frustrated by the time it's taking to solve a simple problem? Set boundaries around your boiling point. How long is too long to wait for reengagement? Advocate for the time you need and remind your partner that your desire for connection includes respecting their need for space.
Communicating Boundaries and Affirming Commitment
If you relate more with the avoidant partner and need time to process, ask yourself: What is the minimum time I need to identify what I’m actually feeling in the heat of battle? Consider your partner’s desire for resolution—it communicates connection for them. Set your boundary clearly: explain your need for space and commit to a time (ideally within 30 minutes) to reengage and advocate for your needs. Remind your partner that you respect their need for closure.
How Many Time-Outs Will It Take?
It may take multiple pauses to resolve a conflict. That’s okay. The more emotional charge in a disagreement, the more likely you’ll need time to reset. Each time you return to the conversation, connection builds: the combative partner sees your commitment to resolution; the avoidant sees your respect for space. Every break becomes an opportunity to ask: What does my partner need right now? What am I willing to sacrifice for a win-win?
The Black Belt and the Gummy Bear
I laugh now thinking about the irony. I was the hypersensitive, dramatic, emotionally expressive one. I was never taught conflict resolution. I just preferred living in positive emotion and running from anything negative. I was a gummy bear—and gummy bears hide when things get tense. But when cornered, I’d come out swinging, arms flailing with emotional reasoning that only made things worse. I coped by escaping into audiobooks, work, and emotionally stimulating projects.
My husband? An Olympic taekwondo competitor. He trained for combat—mentally and physically. My black belt lover had no idea what he was signing up for with a gummy bear who refused to engage in tense emotional discussions. His calculated counterattacks dismissed my feelings and sped toward resolution. He didn’t know how his fighting style was deepening my insecurities. Eventually, he began avoiding hard conversations just to avoid triggering my flight response.
I was the "runaway bride" for the first eight years of our marriage. Though I had no fear advocating fiercely for my clients, I was terrified of advocating for myself at home. I feared rejection, feared conflict, and feared not being heard. That season forced me to modify my style. My husband had to appreciate the softer side of the gummy bear. I had to acknowledge the discipline of the black belt. We both had a fighting style. Each had strengths and pitfalls. Awareness changed us. Today, we practice a kind of mixed martial art of intimate conflict—we are no longer enemies. We are allies.
5 Steps to Convert Conflict Into Connection
Learn more about practical steps and insights to better navigate conflict in your intimate spaces at 5 Steps to Convert Conflict to Connection.
