Do you wrestle with feeling guilty or ashamed for becoming angry, frustrated or defensive? Are you constantly apologizing at home, work or with friends for feeling what you feel? Perhaps its time for a compassionate confrontation so that you no longer feel bad about your own humanity.
I often break out singing, “Emotions make you cry sometimes.” Most people who catch the reference to the 90s hit from Jodeci typically pause in confusion right before they break out in laughter.
Feel what you feel.
In my litigation practice, I was constantly navigating negative emotions. My clients. Opposing parties. Opposing counsel. In doing so, I had to develop a very sharp awareness of my own emotions. This is how I survived the profession without becoming another mean, argumentative and angry lawyer. In fact, I often embraced negative emotions that showed up in others. It’s human, isn’t it?
But for some, there is this very heavy weight uf unreasonableness. Who is “nice” all of the time? Who is happy, joyful or jubilant all of the time? But for too many people, they walk around with an enormous sense of guilt when they experience negative emotions. When they show up in my office, I give them 3 chances.
They apologize the first time for expressing frustration. I assure them. “You are fine. I would feel frustrated, too, if I were in your shoes.”
They apologize the second time for expressing anger. I validate their feelings. “Oh, you don’t have to apologize for how you feel. Thank youf for being honest and sharing your experience.”
But that third time . . . that’s when most of my apologizers are not ready for my reaction. They blurt out a curse word, or hurl an insult directed at the other party. Then they apologize. And that’s when I unleash myself.
”If you apologize to me one more time for being honest and having feelings, you and I are going to fight!” This statement is usually met with a degree of self-conscious nervousness. And that’s when I say, “Feel what you feel! There is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. As long as you don’t cuss ME out, you’re good.”
They exhale a huge sigh of relief. They are unsettled and comforted at the same time. They are not being judged for having “ugly” emotions. I don’t explore where that behavior comes from. I simply accept responsibility as a fellow human being to normalize humanity when it is expressed without harming others.
So if you are somebody that apologizes for feeling bad thoughts, please forgive yourself first. Please don’t believe everyone else has some ind of emotional mastery that you don’t have. Just because people don’t talk about what they are feeling doesn’t mean they are not also experiencing negative emotions.
Set yourself free.
There is a difference in feeling and acting out. You can feel like Greg has a punchable face without punching Greg in the face. And you know what? There are probably a hand full of your coworkers who feel the exact same way.
When we have guilt or shame for our own emotions, we are in the quagmire of internal conflict. Jesus is not going to punish you for expressing anger. He was the one flipping tables in the temple when he could no longer tolerate the hypocrisy of the commercialization of faith.
Feeling anger is not bad. It’s only bad when we hurt others in our angry reactions. Not even that is an unforgiveable offense.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
Human connection disclosure: This post is 100% human curated and is not generated by Ai.
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