Did it feel absolutely delicious when you finally gave your coworker a piece of your mind? Were you finally fed up? Had your discomfort been simmering for long enough? You might even replay the highlight reel of that explosive moment, feeling a surge of satisfaction.
In Sigmund Freud’s work, known as the Pleasure Principle, we understand that human beings are fundamentally wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Office conflicts—whether explosive or passive-aggressive—are often the outward manifestation of unspoken internal pain experienced by an individual, a team, or the organization.
We were conditioned at an early age to "play nice" and to say nothing if we don’t have anything "nice" to say. The reality is, however, this social contract increases the internal friction we experience when we encounter people who simply rub us the wrong way.
Can you truly work effectively with someone you actively dislike?
This is the topic at the dinner table in many professional homes. You spent most of the drive home replaying your disgust for that extremely irritating office mate. No matter how hard you try, every attempt at "playing nice" only leaves you stewing at the end of the day. And when that annoying person has a political upper hand in the office?
It's frustrating. It's draining. It's exhausting.
The Danger of Ignoring Internal Pressure
It is not your job to "play nice" if "nice" means suppressing a growing volcanic pressure inside of you. Ignoring that internal pressure will only lead to an eventual eruption. Eruptions create casualties, and the shockwaves can damage your reputation and career for months afterwards.
So what should you do instead?
The first strategic step to addressing interpersonal conflict is examining your own goals. This is where you need to “Think Like a Lawyer.”
One of the biggest mistakes people make when addressing conflict is seeking to change the other person’s position before they have first clearly defined their own. Have the honest conversation with yourself—your own internal "legal discovery."
- What is your true goal? Is it to no longer have to work in close proximity to this person? Is it for you and this person to reach a civil understanding? Do you need a formal boundary drawn to create civility?
- List out all of the outcomes you truly desire. After brainstorming, examine your list for any inconsistencies. Inconsistent goals (e.g., "I want peace," but "I also want to prove them wrong") are a key indicator that there is unresolved internal conflict that you are unwilling to address.
The Deeper Question
Go deeper still. Is this conflict at work challenging your comfort zone? Are you unwilling to grow while demanding everyone else around you change and suit your own comfort?
If so, then you are just looking for the next fight.
Instead of complaining about the person who is irritating you, explore your deepest needs, desires, and the final, objective outcome you really want to resolve this situation.
Instead of playing Mortal Kombat, and going in for the “finish him!,” ask yourself:
How can I maintain my principles and self-respect without embarrassing, belittling, or sabotaging the other person?
Because when we are totally honest with ourselves, the moment of victory after an emotional explosion is nothing more than a small, fleeting dopamine hit. What typically remains afterwards is a damaged scene: a damaged human connection, a damaged reputation, and a damaged sense of self. If alienating yourself from others was not your goal, your impulsive "win" will leave you looking like a jerk and feeling worse than you did before.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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