Deescalate Deterioration: How to Disarm the Office Bully (Part 2)

You are experiencing deterioration. 

And eventually, if left unchecked, the law of entropy will kick matters into high gear until one of you embarrass yourselves to finally end the cold war. 

In my last post, I introduced you to FIRAC—the legal thinking framework taught in law school. I encouraged you to map out your bully’s feelings, fears and frustrations. What did you discover? When you look at your own feelings, fears and frustrations side-by-side, are there any similarities? What is the biggest difference?

And no—you don’t have to care or even agree. You only need to understand. 

This is Stephen Covey’s win-win “Habit Number 5” from his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. By placing yourself into the bully’s frame of reference, you are practicing empathy. Empathy is the same “soft power” used by diplomats for deescalating international tension. In the workplace where reputation and compensation are at stake, soft power is often perceived as risky and weak. Quite the contrary, the so-called “soft” power of empathic communication is the key to sustainable peace accords. Sure, the presence of hard power—or war—is a menacing threat that looms according to the ego of the beholder. But war is rarely what the people of Earth truly desire. So ask yourself:

Here is what happened when I found myself in the middle of an office food fight. I desired synergy, harmony and a workplace that I looked forward to driving to each day. But that was rapidly deteriorating as political factions formed in our office. A leadership transition was looming. The incumbent leader was moving on to greener pastures. The next “heir” to the throne began preoccupying himself with building alliances for a takeover. 

 

The problem was that the person who was obviously next in line for the leadership role was not confident it would be a slam dunk. And  as a result, he became the de facto office bully to anyone who had not already sworn allegiance to him. 

He became passive-aggressive. He began holding more informal meetings with his allies behind closed doors. I could sense a growing coldness from what had once been a very warm professional relationship. What used to be a very collegiate work environment felt more like “every man for himself,” creating a psychological drag in our workplace.

What is happening here, I thought, while  feeling more reluctance to go to work at all while the culture rapidly shifted around us. 

I also had ambitions for a transition that would land me closer to home so that I could be more involved in my son’s school activities. As I considered the bully in our office, I recognized that he was insecure. Why else was he rallying troops? I started working some back channels. Although it was possible I would not be around very long for the fallout, I began messaging and signaling a desire for a peaceful transition of power. Ultimately, that is what everyone in the office wanted. But what I did not realize about the bully’s fears caught me completely by surprise as my “love notes campaign” worked its way through the office. 

 

The bully popped in on me to chat things up. During that conversation I acknowledged his fears and insecurities. He opened up. I shared my desires to work closer to home and be more involved in school stuff with my kiddo. And that’s when he became puzzled. He asked, “So you don’t want the role after the Boss steps down?”

I’m so thankful I was not drinking anything at the time. I would have sprayed him and my desk from the sudden incredulity of that moment. 

He saw me as the threat to his ascension. 

I had a lot of promise, but less seniority. I also had a very good relationship with the incumbent who could easily vouch for me to compete for the vacancy. And being the flower child that I am—I simply did not have the ambition for that role. 

Unfortunately, for too many organizations, the office has become a battlefield. Micro aggressions, slights, and disrespect are all on the record. American workers spend more time saving and filing offensive emails than enjoying their work. We build cases against one another rather than building bridges. 

Had I not taken the time to consider the fears of my bully, I would have never discovered the strategy to launch a “love notes campaign” throughout our office. In the mind of my bully, we were in a Biden v. Trump faceoff. At the same time, I was oblivious that I was a candidate in an election I never campaigned for. I simply wanted a creative carve out that would maximize my opportunities for parenting. Rather than taking things personally, I used my bully’s frame to message a common culture to promote an environment where we could all thrive together.  This campaign cleared the air for a necessary conversation that had implications for everyone in our shared space.

Your employee relations or HR department is not a substitute for humanity. It’s the place you go to let your employer know that they have a legal problem based on the way you or someone else is behaving. And unfortunately, when we signal “legal,” things only get more tense, self-protective, and distant. 

In my Think Like a Lawyer Fight Like a Lover ^TM framework, the “A” is for Affectionate Analysis.  This Affectionate Analysis is the prerequisite to the “C,” or conclusion, of a win-win that protects our humanity, dignity, and future relationships. 

You don’t have to like someone or tolerate their disrespect in order to be loving towards them. For me, loving my bully required loving the people we worked with and protecting the culture of our office. Besides, the bully was downright annoying. But had I focused on his accumulation of political power, I would have never seen the frightened kid. I would have used my influence to launch an assault to take him down, rather than a culture campaign to signal safety.

What opportunities for synergy can you imagine? Are you gossiping about your bully at the water cooler rather than beginning an I.V. love drip in your organization? Sure, this is unfathomable if you prefer bitterness and aggression in your relationships with others. But when we prioritize human connection over our own ego, there is no limit to the world we can create with legal thinking and lots of love. 

 

Be blessed and encouraged, 

Judge Char

 

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