Good leaders are supposed to (fill in the blank). Every person you know has pockets full of expectations. Whose expectation is right? Which expectation is wrong? Are you actually experiencing a personality difference? Or could it be a clash of expectations?
Young adult fantasy of what dad was supposed to do
As a young adult, I had a boat load of expectations. My dad was supposed to be like the dads on TV. I was supposed to storm out of the room with my frustrations. He was supposed to chase me, beg me to speak to him, and apologize for hurting my feelings.
Meanwhile, I was supposed to do what was expected of me, make better choices, and be respectful even when he had no intention to understand my world of fantasy or the sorrow that resulted from my disappointed expectations.
What resulted? A severely fractured relationship that took years to repair once I disposed my supposed and accepted dad for who he was.
What are they supposed to do?
We all have this human algorithm, this shortcut for predicting the “right” and “wrong” behaviors in human relationships. But what would happen if you turn your “supposed to” inwardly? What if, instead of sitting on the Olympic sidelines of life and scoring everyone else’s relationship performance, you dispose your supposed?
They are supposed to be themselves.
No matter how annoying.
No matter how inconvenient.
They are even supposed to be self-centered and self-preserving.
Because the reality is that who they are and how they show up in your experience is dictated by their own choices. Meanwhile what you are supposed to do is determine how you will respond.
There is an increasing sentiment on social media concerning the rise of boundary enforcement gone wrong. Your boundary is what you are responsible to enforce. But when your boundary dictates to another person what they are supposed to do, how they are supposed to speak, or what they are supposed to give, its not a boundary—it’s a mandate.
So when you experience backlash after setting and communicating a boundary, chances are that you are masking your attempt to control the other by calling it a boundary. Left unchecked, this compulsion for control results in heightened defensiveness, resentment, and relationship deterioration.
Think Like a Lawyer. Strategically map the conflict.
FACT:
Your supervisor calls you after hours for “emergencies.” The first two times, you chalked it up to being a team player. Over the past several months, you recognize their lack of planning is habitual, and consistently results in unplanned urgencies where you are called upon to save the day.
ISSUE:
How do you protect your personal space and sanity without being perceived as insubordinate or disinterested in being a team player?
RULE:
Youb cannot control another person’s behavior. But you can define your own boundaries and enforce them in a way that is honoring of yourself and of others.
Fight Like a Lover. Compassionately assert your boundary.
AFFECTIONATE ANALYSIS
What limitations does the team lead have? Are they wasting time doom scrolling when they should be planning projects? Are they snowballing institutional crises down the chain of command the same way its been dumped on them? Is there some other time management, nervous system or cognitive challenge that is impacting their part of the project planning? Do they have a care in the world about your personal time? If the issue is cultural, foundational, or operational, how would the key decision makers even know this issue is affecting you or others who are similarly situated?
ACCEPTANCE
You are supposed to communicate your experience and expectations. This presents your team lead with the opportunity to figure out how to do their job without making you the sacrificial lamb. So you schedule a meeting and offer the following settlement offer:
I noticed the past few months we’ve had several close calls with our project deliverables. That must be really tough for you. I can understand how challenging it can be for you as the interface between the executive team, the customer, and us on the implementation team. I get it.
As crazy as things must be for you, I’m not in a position to pick up the slack after hours. The last few times I did so in order to assure you and the team that I’m committed to our goals. But moving forward, I’m not responding to after hours calls, emails, meetings or deliverables. I simply cannot do it.
What your team lead does with this information is what they need to figure out—not you. This is not selfish. This is not mean. This is advocacy to protect the team from your deterioration as you continue to sweep your resentment under the rug. Besides, you’re not supposed to do that, right?
CONCLUSION
Not asserting your boundary will undoubtedly lead to your resentment. Your resentment will threaten you to lose control of the urge to vent, gossip, or undermine the organization. If you proceed with a hard-nosed “they are supposed to do their job” expectation, then you will have the stank eye and a bad attitude when you have had enough. This only sours future opportunities for finding an organizational win-win.
But if you consider disposing your supposed, then you have no responsibility for their actions. You simply leave the responsibility on them how to maximize their own resources and get their life together. Besides, they—or the organization—may ultimately benefit from their newfound awareness of a boundary you are willing to (consistently) enforce.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
Sign up here to receive Think Like a Lawyer Fight Like a Lover ® strategies directly to your inbox.
0 Comments