When a colleague undermines your work or launches a personal jab in a meeting, they are betting on your emotional escalation. They want you to get defensive, because a defensive person looks guilty, unstable or unreliable.
To win this "case," you must stop acting like the defendant and start acting like the Lead Counsel. Here is how to use ADR and legal thinking to shut down undermining behavior.
The legal framework taught in law school has the same effectiveness at home and work. In my law school it was taught as FIRAC;
Facts
Issue
Rule
Analysis
Conclusion
This tried and tested methodology for legal thinking is the foundation of my Think Like a Lawyer Fight Like a Lover TM framework. In fact, it is exactly how I totally disarmed aggressive opposing counsel who were so focused on litigation, they lost touch with their own humanity and that of their clients—leaving me with a clear path to influencing the judge to a winning outcome for my own clients.
1. Begin with “F” and Discover the Feelings, Fears and Frustrations
As difficult as it may seem to accept, the bully has feelings. Sure, they are certainly not making themselves a friend to you so that you should even care. But their feelings are crucial to developing a winning strategy. Just like litigation, you cannot develop your case until you have conducted discovery. And when it comes to the bully in your office, you must first have a solid understanding of the fears and frustrations that are motivating their ugly behavior at work.
Don’t hear me suggesting you get clinical, here. Besides, based on the culture and what’s trending on the internet, you have probably already concluded they are a narcissist. That’s fine, too. But writing a person off based on trending social psychology is less relevant than understanding what the bully is afraid of. Based on my experience, uncovering their fear will always reveal why they are frustrated and taking it out on you. Consider the following discovery.
Linda sees me as a threat for the job opening that she has been desperately planning and positioning herself for. I am also a strong candidate and want to take advantage of the opportunity as well. She's afraid of the embarrassment of losing a promotion as someone who has more seniority than I do.
Empathic professionals already understand these factors. However, empathic folk are typically emotionally reactive, making them an easy target for workplace aggression. So if you have already sorted out these intangible factors, then your challenge at work is not that you lack this understanding of the bully, you simply need the strategy that leads to a “win.”
2. Move on to “I” and frame this issue according to your understanding of their fears and your need to end the bullying.
Conflict resolution at work has become an extension of the litigious culture of the court system. How has that been working out for you? American professionals are investing more time in documenting events and covering their own tush than they are engaged in creativity and enjoying their work.
How is that okay?
In legal practice, the “issue” is the frame we use to guide the analysis. A well-framed issue is clear, concise, and asks a question that must be answered in alignment with the law. Once you have discovered what the bully is afraid of and what is frustrating them, its not about making their problem yours. They have already accomplished that with their personal attacks and ugliness in the office. Rather, by decentering the emotional impact it is having on you, and balancing what each of you are experiencing for whatever reason, you can now create an issue statement to guide your strategy. Consider the following example.
After the role is filled, Linda and I will still have to work together. What is the best response to her aggression that will not sacrifice my integrity or deepen hostilities for our future work relationship?
3. “R” is the stabilizing reminder of the Golden Rule
This part of the legal thinking framework searches for the rule, or law, that governs the dispute. American jurisprudence is full of laws, codes and regulations that have created subject matter expertise. New legislation, policies, and amendments are constantly adapted to the culture and emerging issues. However, in the world of human relationship, we can always count on the Golden Rule.
Treat others with honor, respect and dignity which will always be returned to you.
Who respects a bully? By definition, their behavior attracts contempt, bitterness and scorn. Would you throw and office party to celebrate their sudden, tragic death? Invite their parents and kids to take shots as you gloat over their dead body?
(If the answer is “yes,” please stop here and go get some clinical intervention.)
You don’t have to respect a person’s behavior to value them as a fellow earthling. And if you really want to destroy any hope of finding a win-win at work, then publicly humiliate them. Yeah, that’ll do the trick.
What has made court culture so dangerous for intimate spaces is that we lose sight of the relationship beyond the lawsuit. Sometimes, work enemies become allies. Sometimes, bitter disputes create best friends. At a minimum, being the one who refuses to become disrespectful can preserve a safe space for both of you where they stay in their corner while you stay in yours. Ultimately, the Golden Rule is a warning:
There is a future beyond today’s hurt feelings. Invest your efforts wisely with this in mind.
Why this rationale always leads to a “win”
When I was litigating, I learned quickly how humiliating victories lead to deeper divides that drive never-ending litigation in the form of contempt, modifications, and an endless race to be the first person to call the authorities. From an interpersonal relationship perspective, this is not a win at all. People who used to be lovers now hate each others’ guts. Children who love both parents are forced to pick a side against their own personal identity. Parental exchanges and logistics become cringe.
How is any this “justice”?
What has been driving win-lose dynamics in the culture of litigation is hyper-focus on “winning” at all costs. Sadly, however, when another human being is devalued, disrespected, or demoralized, our entire humanity takes the hit. Metaphysically, it is impossible to invest good intention of respect, honor and dignity and lose integrity, self respect, or self-esteem. However, ignoring this principle attracts disrespect, dishonor and humiliation in some other form.
Is that worth the short term “win” as defined by your current state of frustration?
Of course, I don’t choose the outcome for you. The choice is yours. What I do know, however, is that at the end of this adventure we call life, very few things matter at all. We just don’t always think about the office fight from a long term perspective.
Discovery is an ongoing process
I look forward to sharing the remaining steps of this framework in my next post. In the meantime, continue doing your discovery of both sides. You both have feelings. You both have fears. You both experience frustration. Chart this out on a document with two tables. List as many factors for each side and zoom out of your own feelings to attempt neutrality how you consider both sides of this case.
Until next time, be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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