How to end your abusive relationship

The algorithm is serving up an endless buffet of content concerning narcissism. And the reason this topic has an unlimited demand for consumption is because of the growing number of self-identified victims. Think about it. By definition, you are in a narcissistic abusive relationship because your partner is an energy vampire and you are the source of their emotional energy. So in essence, this is what your relationship agreement looks like.

 

PARTIES: This agreement is made between me ("Victim/Source of Energy") and you ("Monster/Narcissistic Abuser"). 

ARTICLE 1: My role as the victim. I am your victim. You have the power to manipulate and control me at will. 

ARTICLE 2: Your role as the Villain. You are the monster. I will blame you for why I am powerless to stop being your lunch. 

ARTICLE 3: Termination. Once you become bored terrorizing my life, you will leave me for fresh bait. This agreement may also terminate once I find myself totally depleted and  fighting for my sanity and/or physical health. At that point, I will activate my survival instinct to leave you and narrowly escape your abuse. 

 

The relationship contract involved in what more and more people are experiencing and describing as narcissistic abuse is simple. It only exists by agreement. The problem with most people who are crying out for help is that they do not see their own power to change this cycle. I do not say this to dismiss the validity of an actual diagnosis by a licensed clinician. I am speaking purely from a legal analysis and proven framework which ended victim-villain power struggles in my own marriage and those of people who are willing to be honest with themselves. 

Your true power is not in the marriage counselor making your partner see the error of their ways. 

 

Your true power is not in the pastor holding your partner accountable for the error of their ways. 

 

Your true power is not in the divorce attorney serving some punishment on your partner for the error of their ways. 

 

Your truest, most enduring power to radically change your relationship dynamic is recognizing that you have the power to choose.

 

Choose not to be controlled. 

 

Choose not to be manipulated. 

 

Choose not to be reactive. 

 

Choose not to be the vampire’s victim. 

 

I am intentionally oversimplifying here. I’m not your therapist. I am your creative conflict resolution expert. And what the law has taught me about this phenomenon is that it changes when the victim transforms into a person of power. When the so-called narcissistic source no longer believes they are someone else’s powerless prey. I want you to navigate this with your counselor. I want you to explore the clinical indicators. I want you to vent and be validated for the horror movie you have been living in. 

 

But I also want to confront you. For real. Because I’m not challenging you from a textbook understanding. I’m letting you know how much I love you because I WAS you. And I remained helpless, waiting for a savior to come and rescue me from the dragon’s keep. 

 

No one is coming to save you. 

 

No one is going to make your partner behave.

 

No one is going to make your partner learn how to love you. 

 

So now what? What do you have the power to do right now? Did you choose to roll out of bed this morning? Did you choose to brush your teeth? Did you choose to show up for everybody else? The kids? Your job? Your friends? 

I’m not minimizing your experience, heaven forbid. But the more you focus on the other person’s power, the deeper you sink into the pit of perceived powerlessness. It’s simply not true. If you had the power to read this far, then I want to challenge you further. Are you really ready for the change you have been praying for? 

 

Then take a look at your narcissistic abuse contract. And decide that you are not the party described in the agreement. 

Making the decision now has to translate to your actions. What have you been doing in your reactivity, avoidance, or other behaviors that have communicated “I am the victim, you are the villain”? As long as there is evidence of victim behavior, you are still operating in agreement that you are the helpless victim.

Sure, your friends and family want to see you safe, loved and accepted. But that’s not their responsibility. It’s yours. And you are the one who loves you first. You are the one who accepts you. You are the one who teaches others how to treat you. Rather than looking for the savior in your story, ask your community to hold you accountable to your own personal power. Be accountable to them for how you have become unforgiving. Allow them to check and confront you about areas where you have become bitter. Give them permission to call you out for ways you are seeking revenge. Recognize that people who are not confronting you are not telling you the whole story. No villain can prosper without a willing victim. 

 

This is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Again, I’m not here to argue with whoever has been advising you. Your thoughts are evidence. Your testimony is evidence. Your behavior is evidence. The fact that you remain convinced of your own powerlessness, consistently complaining about your partner’s wickedness, and remaining in the position of powerlessness is the only evidence I need to understand that you are either (1) lacking a compassionate confrontation or (2) you simply do not want the truth. Either way, this legal analysis is one of the most powerful options you have available when you are ready to end your own suffering and take your life back.

 

Be blessed and encouraged,

Judge Char

Legal notice:  This is not mental health advice. Contact your licensed mental health professional for support addressing your specific circumstances. This is not legal advice. Consult with a licensed attorney concerning your legal options. If your safety is at risk, contact a local domestic violence advocate and develop a safety plan.  The opinions shared here are the product of practical wisdom which has been applied within the safety of therapeutic and group support. For more information about my personal transformation from victim to victor, I share all of my cheat codes in Trauma Transformation: Examining the Evidence.