Just because you enjoy arguing does not make you a good advocate, negotiator or even lawyer. As a lawyer, I've certainly seen my share of raggedy lawyering from people who assumed arguing is the hallmark of representation. In fact, the best lawyers are the best listeners. So, what lessons can you learn from B.A.D. lawyers to improve your own relationships?
Identify and Avoid:
Bully Behaviors.
Aggressive Arguments.
Disrespectful Dismissiveness.
The problem with this style? You never learn what is actually going on or how to address it in a way that protects the future relationship. For this style of interpersonal warfare, you are more concerned about yourself, not the relationship.
Discovery, in fact, is the necessary process needed for having the most robust set of facts. The most persuasive arguments rely more heavily on facts than emotion. But the B.A.D. style is guaranteed to burn bridges and sabotage future collaboration.
The best discovery will help you develop the right issue, that is, the question that must be answered to reach the most fair and just outcome. However, the B.A.D approach is concerned primarily with one issue:
How do I WIN?
The biggest mistake most people make when navigating conflict at home or at work is rushing the “issue.” In the FIRAC legal problem-solving framework, the issue is the question that must be asked and answered in order to reach the right outcome. If you are a lover like most of my clients, then the right outcome is one that preserves dignity and mutual respect.
On the other hand, if you frame the issue too quickly, or in the heat of strong emotion, you are framing it based on assumptions, bias, and incomplete data. This inevitably triggers a defensive reaction, damaging the future relationship.
To protect the relationship, we must first build an unshakeable foundation of Facts.
But facts are rarely handed to us on a silver platter. Former FBI hostage negotiator and author, Chris Voss teaches in his book, Never Split the Difference that people routinely hide information. In fact, people mask their fears, go on the attack, and ask terrible questions because they are afraid of being vulnerable or losing leverage. To uncover the real facts, you must consciously choose your Level of Listening.
Next time, I'm sharing a powerful visual how B.A.D. behaviors affect future relationships and the real winning strategy for the whole team and those who matter most in your life.
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Be blessed and encouraged,
Sherlyn "Char" Selassie Esq.
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