Are you struggling with feeling heard or understood in your relationship? Have you thrown in the towel trying to speak or voice your opinion? Do you find more comfort in being alone and away from the painful reminders that something is "off" in your relationship? Are you tired of trying and thinking about walking away or starting all over with someone else?
What if I told you that the problem is not the absence of love, but rather, the absence of rhythm? And that if you learn how to dance in the space where both of your hearts harmonize, you will experience joy and laughter again--even without waiting for the other person to change.
When you understand that every relationship involves a contract, and that contracts are the soundtrack of our lives, then you can confidently dance in harmony with the other person without losing sync with your own heart. What most people are not aware of in their relationships is that the best music--that is, collaboration--is designed by the beautiful balance of all the different sounds that are composed and weaved together. In your relationship, you may be a flute, a drum, or even a trumpet. If you take any one of those sounds and play it too loudly, you create a nuisance, not music. What happens in our relationships is that we attempt to blow our trumpet louder than the banking of the other person's drum. That is why a relationship artist, or mediator, is the perfect approach for harmonizing the various beats, sounds and rhythms that have been competing in your relationship and resulting in a cacophony of painful, nerve-racking noise.
Mediation is the art of harmonizing shared spaces and creating room for each person in the relationship to feel heard, respected and understood. Like a symphony composer, your mediator has developed a love and appreciation for every sound that exists within the orchestra. But even more, the composer sets her heart on weaving all of those sounds together to create harmony. Relationship contracts work exactly the same way. He has thoughts, opinions, and needs. She has thoughts, opinions, and needs. At some point, one or both sides step out of rhythm because their needs are not being met. They have tried, with little success, to advocate for their needs, but have found they hurt the person they love in the process. In response, the other spouse begins clashing their symbols--struggling to interrupt your self-centeredness so that you do not lose sign that they, too, have pain.
In marriage, it is very tempting to look at your partner as the source of your pain. Sometimes, through negligence or even by intention, your spouse is the source of your pain. But what I have found from my family law practice, family coaching, and even my own marriage, is that a significant proportion of your pain has very little to do with what your partner is (or is not) doing. In fact, in the overwhelming majority of cases, the frustration, distance, loneliness or rejection you are feeling in your marriage is actually your own heart crying out for attention to a wound you have been ignoring. Your heart has been sending out the rhythm of sorrow over an injustice from the past that you never resolved. And instead of stepping into the rhythm of that sorrow to heal, you run. You escape into a place that promises more pleasure than the painful beating resonating from your own heart.
Navigating your relationship contract--beginning with agreements you have made with yourself--is the first step to harmonizing your life with your partner. When you gain the confidence to dance by yourself, you gain the skills to find the sweet spot where your rhythm synchronizes with the rhythm of your spouse. You become more aware of how their heart is beating. You skillfully and lovingly pull them onto the dance floor of life to join you without stepping on each other's feet.
And at the core of all of this dancing, grooving, and harmony lies each and every relationship contract you have ever made, and that you will continue to build throughout the symphony of your life.
If you would like help exploring your relationship contract, and possibly mediating harmony between you and your partner, book a Family Strategy Call with us today.
To your future,
Char
