Part 5 of the Victim-Villain Deception Series
Are you struggling in your marriage, trapped in an experience that feels like narcissistic abuse? Would your partner describe you as narcissistic, and even accuse you of being the abuser who is constantly gaslighting them? If you and your partner take turns being the victim of abuse and dishing out your respective share of defensiveness, stone-walling, and accusation, then you may be a party to a victim-villain agreement.
A villain-victim contract is the machinery of rhe narcissistic abuse experience. This particular conflict cycle requires a villain and a victim. The challenge is, however, is that most people in this type of relationship perceive themselves as the victim. This reveals the first contractual agreement that forms the “cyclone” of narcissistic abuse.
The Victim Contract
The person who is convinced they are being abused by a narcissist becomes hyper-focused on the behavior of their abuser. This focus often leads the abused to conclude that their partner lacks empathy. Because the abuser lacks empathy, they gaslight the abused, deflecting from being accountable for their own behavior which the abused person consistently complains about.
The abused has agreed within their own beliefs that they are a victim. A victim is powerless. The victim waits for things to happen to them. The victim reacts as circumstances and people confirm to them they are the victim. The victim has a fundamental mental, emotional and even physiological agreement that they are powerless.
Often, the victim, tired of feeling the toxicity of their partner’s unchanged behavior, begins to seek vigilante justice. The most common responses to their abuser are attempts to change the abuser’s behavior. Exhausted of feeling powerless, the victim seeks to control and/or manipulate their partner. They become so focused on everything that is demonstrably wrong with their partner, they prioritize changing their partner. The victim refuses to be happy until the abuser changes.
The victim contract renders the abused so powerless they seek out advocates to exercise power over their abuser. Therapists, ministers, parents, lawyers and other perceived authority figures are sought out to put their abuser in their place. While in this state, the victim overlooks, minimizes and even excuses their own bad behavior. This behavior is rationalized by their own suffering. The victim quantifies their partner’s behavior as “worse,” “more destructive,” or the primary catalyst for their own bad behavior. A victim will often demand an apology before they are willing to accept accountability for their own wrong doing.
A victim, except in extreme outbursts of uncontrolled emotions, is rarely wrong.
The victim takes the higher moral ground as compared to that of their partner. The victim is always right. Their abuser is always wrong. The victim is on an impossible journey. They seek outward behaviors, responses, and circumstances that will end their sense of suffering. When their abuser attempts to make concessions or behavioral changes, the victim is rarely satisfied. The victim seeks for more validation, more security, and more affirmation of their value at all times, in ever increasing demands. This behavior continues until their partner accepts the truth—there is nothing they can do to make them happy.
Once the abuser has grown weary, and gives up any effort to make the victim happy, the victim becomes more resolute that their partner is a narcissist. The victim pushes buttons which are calculated to trigger a negative response. The victim throws rocks at their villain and then hides their hand. And this is what makes the victim a participating villain in the conflict cyclone described as narcissistic abuse.
In the next post, I will analyze the villain agreement which is the second essential provision of the victim-villain legal framework. Have you accepted the false belief that your purpose in life is abuse, neglect or abandonment? Are you willing to break your contract with powerlessness?
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
Human connection disclosure :I use the Ai reader to make this content more accessible without getting bogged down reading it myself. Notwithstanding, this post is 100% human curated and is not generated by Ai.
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