The #1 Reason Women Label Their Men  the N-Word

Are you a woman of faith feeling deeply misunderstood by your man? Do you feel trapped in a relationship where you are not free to fully express yourself without fear of being dismissed, minimized, or rejected? Or are you a husband whose wife has accused you of lacking empathy for her experience of you?

 

Many marriages are strained for answers. In the busy frantic time-squeeze of modern society, men and women are being reshaped by the mad rush into the technological age. At the same time, many of our families are pressured to abandon trusted landmarks of the industrial age. The the dawning of the present information and technological age ushered in a new female. She participates in the workplace. She doubles as a soccer mom and charity organizer. She is an entrepreneur, thought leader, and a loyal best friend. She is a breadwinner and a homemaker. She’s all over the place. She is driven to accomplish more and be more, even though she’s already everything the world needs. 

 

She’s exhausted. 

 

Even more, the average male response to her exhaustion is wearisome to her soul. Each time she complains about the pressure of “one more thing” she has to do, her man attempts to simplify the matter, to help her. Too often, men’s responses to female exhaustion leave women feeling worse. And it is not because men don’t care. It’s not because men lack empathy. It’s because men do not understand how to validate women’s natural spiritual and emotional response to our unnatural environment powered by the endless pressure that triggers us into survival mode and self-preservation. 

 

What does a more natural rhythm look and feel like for the modern woman? I’m not advocating for returning to the baseline notions of femininity—the “barefoot and pregnant” culture of my grandma’s generation. Rather, women have become so busy, so pressured, so productive in every space that we have lost touch with ourselves. And when this happens, the big beautiful brain begins hunting for answers. And the sexiest answer available on any e-reader, download, or bookstore is narcissism. 

 

When I began my own personal search for answers, I loaded my Audible account with books explaining narcissism. These books offered the most logical explanation for my experience. No matter how much I tried to get my husband to understand my frustrations and struggles, he simply did not get it. I tried to get through to him during pastoral counseling. The pastor seemed to get it, but he still didn’t. I attempted to get through to him with therapy. The therapist seemed to get it, but he still didn’t. Even when we participated in couple’s coaching, my husband simply did not understand how his responses to my suffering were compounding my pain. 

 

I remember the day I confronted my husband. It didn’t quite land with the dramatic effect I rehearsed while drumming up the courage to tell him that I finally learned he was a narcissist. I’m not sure how I expected him to respond. But I remained convinced—that I finally found the answer to solve my sadness. Over the course of time, several factors influenced a change from his routine dismissal and oversimplification of my frustrations. Without threatening divorce or abandonment of the marriage I made it clear to him that I was in survival mode. And that I was no longer satisfied defining my happiness by his approval or our marital status. I would no longer wait for him to participate in my pursuit of truth. I would figure it out—with or without his understanding.

 

The primary reason I did not go further down the narcissism rabbit hole is simple: This ideology required me to abandon my belief in healing—that anyone can heal. It categorized a very unfortunate group of people and then condemned them to the doom of having little or no hope of ever changing. This premise simply did not ring true to me. So I continued my quest for answers. And what I found was so simple, it is a little embarrassing to admit. 

 

I was in conflict working as a litigator when I am wired as a neutral.

 

I was in conflict with working so far away from our own local community.

 

I was in conflict only having enough time with my kiddo to get him off to school in the morning and down for bed at night.

I was in conflict with my temporary “escapes” that made me feel good for a moment, but left me haunted with a deep, dull nagging in the core of my soul.

 

I was in conflict with not having time to play, dance, write, or imagine.

 

 

And this is the #1 reason other women –smart, capable and exhausted—ultimately find logical relief in concluding their husband is a narcissist, that he is the source of her pain, and that she must abandon the relationship in order to save herself. Conflict creates a spiritual phenomenon called strife. Strife is the tangible tension you feel in a room as a fight is brewing and climbing to a climactic explosion. Strife is the negative energy that resides in the emotions of many people with no enduring resolution. 

 

And when a person is in conflict with themselves, they will remain in conflict with others while seeking a logical external explanation for their own internal agony.

 

It wasn’t until I ended my daily 2 hours commute for work…

 

Became my child’s homeschool teacher…

 

Defined my legal practice according to my personality, spiritual convictions and principles….

 

That I discovered the bandwidth to be a wife and friend to my own husband, or to even give a care to understand his experience of me. I was in conflitct with myself, which left no space to harmonize with my man because all of my spiritual, emotional and physical resources were burned up surviving the day. And if men are not careful, you will over-simplify what has been going on with your wife. You may attempt to quickly solve her problem by telling her “you’re doing too much,” or “why don’t we take a vacation.” You may even respond “I don’t know why you’re so tired—you work from home and don’t have to do half the things I’m doing for work.” Or even convince yourself that taking on the groceries, putting the kids to bed, or hiring a cleaning service will finally fix your wife.

 

Whatever the case, your inability to connect with your wife’s experience is what drives her to seek validation from others who are ready, willing and able to confirm that you are a narcissist. 

 

So how do you end this conflict cycle?

 

I will continue this analysis in a separate writing which explores the legal contracts involved in the “narcissistic abuse” experience that is plaguing families in our technological information age.

 

Be blessed and encouraged, 

Judge Char