Are you winning on every front at work?
Deliverables….Check.
Advancement track….Check.
Professional recognition…Check.
Yet, with all of your accomplishments, you are too exhausted to deal with (yet another) difficult conversation at home? You love your children, but only have enough bandwidth to feed, bathe and put them to bed? And sex with your husband…
Doesn’t he understand how exhausted you are???
Or what about the agony of listening to your wife unburden her soul about the kids, the activities logistics, and her frustrations at work...
Doesn't she understand how important it is for you to close the next big deal???
If this sounds anything like you, then you may be nose-diving into burnout. Perhaps what keeps you going is the wins at the office, the acceptance by your peers, and the praise from your stakeholders. But what is really driving you to keep going like this? Especially when the homebase now feels totally off base?
Unresolved internal conflict is a key driver of workaholism. This condition drives individuals to seek the reward of praise, acceptance, and value. Dr. Gabor Maté, physician and addiction expert, addresses this compensatory behavior in his book, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction. According to Dr. Maté, there is a connection between the unprocessed and unresolved pain (conflict) people live with and external pursuits (addiction) to escape pain:
“A hurt is at the center of all addictive behaviors. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The difference between passion and addiction is that between a divine spark and a flame that incinerates.”
The unchecked flame of the conflict within will eventually burn your relationships. I agree 100% with Dr. Maté because I have personally witnessed the fallout of escapism in my legal practice. I too, a former workaholic, found solace escaping my own unresolved conflict and challenges with self-worth, loneliness and grief. The only difference between me and thousands of divorcees I have worked with, is that I reclaimed my bandwidth for resolving my own internal conflict before it set my house ablaze and left me completely burned out.
Burnout is the equivalent of the “rock bottom” experienced by individuals on their journey to recovery from substance abuse. When you resolve your own inner conflict of feeling unworthy, unappreciated, or rejected, it unlocks a ton of mental and emotional bandwidth. In other words, resolving your internal conflict increases your energy and capacity to love and accept others. This happens as a natural result of your first learning to love and accept yourself.
Ultimately, you are the only one responsible for resolving your challenges of not feeling good enough, valuable, or worthy of love. Confront and resolve this deep longing, reclaim your bandwidth, and prevent losing your deepest connections.
Remember: Only you can prevent forest fires—and burnout.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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