What is a bully made of? Did the childhood bullies suddenly grow up when they reached adulthood? Or are they newly manifested as aggressive attorneys, demeaning supervisors, or even as cold and disengaged physicians?
I randomly mentioned being beaten with an extension cord when I was thirteen years old. My husband interjected, “You were hit with an extension cord?”
“Yes,” I replied, “That would leave bruising for a few days.”
“That was child abuse,” he remarked.
I think what upset my husband the most was that I revealed this painful experience so casually. But I was not offended when he concluded it was child abuse. It was true. But why didn’t I hate my parents? Why didn’t I go on a rant about how terrible they were towards me?
Well, the truth is that they—like me—inherited child abuse. They gave me what had been normalized to them. This does not excuse the behavior at all. However, when you dare to peel back the layers in the lives of many others you will discover various forms of “normalized” child abuse.
Neglecting to invest quality time with children.
Cursing at children.
Blaming children for adult circumstances.
Treating children with contempt because of bitterness towards the other parent.
The list goes on. My being beaten with an industrial extension cord is on the more obviously extreme end of the spectrum of ways adults harm children. When I consider my motivations for my style of legal practice, I relate most with wounded children while helping their parents sort out nasty grown up stuff.
But another pattern I notice is how many other abused children are masquerading in adult clothing.
They seek careers where they will have power and authority over others.
They become domineering or passive in relationships at home and at work.
They are remarkably aggressive or acutely anxious.
They are hiding in plain sight.
In fact, what makes my practice so unique from other legal professionals is my ability to sit in the playground with my clients in their child-form. I share love and acceptance with the child who was rejected. I grant my super powers to children who were beaten. I lend my voice to children who were silenced. And I laugh with them and play with them through all of the painful moments they remember. Because laughter is what healed my own wounds and gave me the strength and courage to live without guilt or shame for being imperfect.
And when we heal the broken hearts of children, we heal entire nations.
So yes, when you mention divorce to me, I am the Guardian ad Litem. I bring the voice of children into the very grown up and life altering decisions which too often make children casualties of war. Our most creative outcomes have been birthed through conscientiousness towards the human beings that are helpless without our care.
Many would say my grandmother should have left her husband for his alcoholic night terrors which reigned upon my mother and her six siblings. Or that my father should have refused to care for his elderly father that abandoned him and his siblings in rural childhood poverty. But what I’ve grown to appreciate is the power of mercy. I don’t have to sugar coat what my parents did to me or what their parents did to them. I don’t have to rewrite history to justify my love for any of my ancestors who bore childhood scars they quietly took to their graves. Rather, I amplify the voice of broken hearted children because for decades, I too, was a broken hearted little girl seeking to find meaning in a big mean world.
As painful as my past may be, it has given me the necessary humility to serve the weak, the hopeless and the helpless—especially my professional counterparts who have perfected the art of pretending to be okay when they are dying slowly and silently within.
Justice for children begins with awareness of their presence. Justice for children requires adults to be honest about our own failures and coverups. The greatest hope I can offer to all children—especially those hiding in adult form—is that the law of truth, hope and love offers powerful potential to radically transform your own wounds into courage to love others without hesitation or fear. To learn more about this powerful legal process, purchase my book, The Law of Care today.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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