I have met many women in this season of life. And do you know what I discovered they had in common 9 out of 10 times?
The did not have LIFE community.
And the absence of life community is one of the key indicators for divorce in our fast paced culture. To prove this point, I will share my observations of Indian culture.
So I grew up in Miami—home of sunshine, Caribbean culture and beaches. It wasn’t until I moved to Atlanta that I ever had Indians for neighbors. Over the years living in close proximity to Indians, I have grown to appreciate the powerful source for their extremely low divorce rate as a culture. In fact, in my entire legal practice, I have only handled two Indian divorces. In one marriage, the couple was proudly “Americanized,” having abandoned many core cultural norms of Indian society. For the other, the wife experienced agonizing isolation which aggravated the natural conflict resolution opportunities presented by their very young marriage.
One of the first things I noticed about Indians is that you rarely see them walking alone. Whether male or female, I noticed two, three, or even more casually walking and enjoying downtime together after work in the neighborhood.
I would see groups of Indians shopping at Walmart.
Two families perusing the isles in Costco, blocking my passage.
I found my favorite Indian restaurant because my husband noticed pockets of Indians walking in and out of the storefront.
I have never seen any group of people as intentionally communal as Indians. And as a legal professional I have grown to absolutely respect the social threading that keeps their marriages together. Although I am aware that some Indians struggle with feeling they have no personal space from their families, this post is focusing on the benefit of the culture. I am not ignoring the two-edged sword of having everybody up in your business. I just want to point out that American marriages need a dose of what Indian culture has practiced and preserved.
One day I was on a video call with an Indian technical advisor for one of my apps. Once we completed the call, he sheepishly opened conversation to discuss the work I was doing at the time as a divorce lawyer. He asked, “Is it true that so many people get divorced in America?”
“Unfortunately,” I lamented, “yes, that is true.”
“I hear stories about this and it sounds terrible,” he shared.
“I know, there is something in the air here. I’m even noticing more Indian divorces this past year.”
I could feel the cringe through the call. After what I revealed to him behind the curtain of American marriages, I don’t think he has any desire to come to the United States with his family. The hidden law in the culture that preserves families so well for Indian marriages is community. I imagine the women are talking through the challenges of husbands being hard to deal with. I also presume the men are huddled and sharing stories of how crazy women are. And somehow, in these shared spaces, men and women lend each other the support they need to stay married through the rough patches.
It was only after my own journey through intentional community that I finally found safety and connection in other women. Women who challenged me when I was in my feelings. Women who comforted me when I was ready to give up. Women who laughed with me, rather than laughing me to scorn. And today’s working woman is so busy, she has very little or no time left for this type of community—especially if her family lives abroad or she has little family at all.
We were not created to live and exist alone. Isolation in the form of busy-ness and chasing the ever-evasive American dream is slowly suffocating countless marriages throughout the United States. You are not alone. I want to encourage you to make a decision not to do life alone anymore. It doesn’t matter if your husband rather sit on the couch and watch the game. You let him know what day and time you are going to treat yourself to some community connection. And invite him to participate in the logistics to give you a little break from the kids—especially those two and three-year-olds!
For virtual community to hold you over while you find some local connection, join me on social media @judgechar on YouTube and TikTok, @judge.char on IG, for weekly reminders—and encouragement—that love is tough, but worth the fight.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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