3 Hidden Costs of Conflict

Conflict is inevitable. It is one of the hallmarks of life that is consistent and that we can always expect. It sucks. Nevertheless, how we respond to it determines whether conflict matures us with value or tanks our personal portfolio. Here are a few things I have observed from countless conflicts which offer a cost-benefit analysis to challenge how we should all rethink our conflict engagement strategy.

 

I often warn people who are committed to the course of litigation not to do so until they have first solidified their support network. Conflict is stressful. But like cholesterol, there is the good kind and the bad kind. Is the stress of the situation challenging you to change your own habits or toxic responses? Or do you perceive yourself as the victim, and the other person as the big bad wolf?

 

People who feel victimized in conflict carry an emotional turmoil that not only clouds their judgment, but it wears down the people around them. Even people who enjoy the drama of reality TV eventually become bored hearing the same story about how the same person is being the same victim by the same villain. It gets old. And when your support network falls away, drained by the same horror story of your unresolved conflict, stress becomes exacerbated. We are designed to live in connection with others. And conflict is the #1 enemy to our connection if we do not maximize the opportunities it presents to us. One way to reframe the conflict to convert it from a bad stress to a good stress is to ask yourself, how can I respond from a place of strength, rather than from a place of powerlessness, without making things worse between us?

Conflict is a test of will, character, and one’s ability to grow. It is like the storm that strengthens the roots of the mighty oak tree. However, because of emotional reactivity, most people do not embrace conflict in this way. Instead, they marinate in their own juices of resentment, fear, and vengeance. Small problems that could have been resolved with a 30-minute heart-to-heart snowball into family feuds that require the surgical precision of therapy, spiritual intervention, and mediation.

The opportunity cost here is the wasted time spent on negative emotions. This does not mean you are not going to feel discomfort, frustration, or anger in the heat of your conflict. It simply mans the longer you remain there, the worse things become. Time you could have invested in resolving your differences becomes time you feel alienated and misunderstood. Time you could have invested in enjoying a quiet peaceful moment together becomes time spent complaining to others about the problem.

 

Our relationships are the most valuable assets we hold in life. Some of these assets we hold for the long run. Some are seasonal. Yet others are temporary mirrors to help us see blind spots that have been keeping us stagnant. If you find yourself struggling to resolve your own negative emotions because of the injustice of the conflict between you, ask yourself, if this relationship is an asset, how can I resolve my own emotions to protect this relationship from risk and loss of value?

I am deeply grieved when I see the same parties back in court again. With very few exceptions, this is absolutely unnecessary. The first case did not instruct them. They are still in a power struggle, a quest for dominance and control. The litigator doesn’t care—its business continuity and a constant flow of conflict cash. But what about the kids? What are they losing as mom and dad march back down the courthouse?

 

Litigation is not only financially burdensome, it is costing our culture. The normalization of litigation and marital liquidation is sending a message to the kids that marriage is a nightmare. It is communicating to young hearts that love never wins. Therapy demands for divorce support only underscores this point. You’re paying the lawyers. You’re paying the therapists. You’re losing the combined value of your marital estate that would capitalize with interest over time. And your grandkids lose. They lose the legacy of love. They lose the war stories that grandpa would tell about how much of a jerk he used to be to your grandma before he learned his lesson. Your children and grandchildren lose the wealth of experiencing what the stormy season used to look like for mom and dad, and how the maturity over the trial-and-error period made their parents more emotionally stable and their home more secure. The kids are losing the blueprint of hope, that one day, they are going to face conflict. But conflict does not have to end up in break up, court, and a lifetime of recovery.

Do you just remain in a toxic relationship? No. You become processed by it. Many of my former clients would tell me that they realized their relationship did not properly model love for their children, that the most honest thing they could do was to divorce. Still others, following the pattern of the past generation, simply waited for the kids to graduate high school before they walked away. Both of these approaches negatively impact the bottom line of your children’s trust fund. Young people are renouncing marriage. They do not desire bringing children into the same pain they have endured. They are escaping the trauma in plain sight while their own internal conflict cries for an immediate path to escape. Ask yourself, is my current investment strategy ultimately increasing the lifetime value of my children’s inheritance? Or is it leaving them paying off the debt from my generation?

My ultimate goal in this post is awareness and perspective. I do not believe justice is served when people are becoming sicker, poorer, and hopeless. I believe we all have untapped power to change the course of culture by simply being honest and willing to hold ourselves accountable for the individual investments and withdrawals we contribute to conflict. And when we see conflict for what it truly is, we have unlimited power to embrace it for the opportunity it is, not to allow it to waste us or our humanity.

 

Be blessed and encouraged,

Judge Char