3 Pathways to True Love: Analysis of King Solomon's Decree

In his legal treatise on love and justice, King Solomon, the wisest and wealthiest man of his time, shared a powerful insight about human connection. According to him, these three things made him a better person:

 See, Sirach Chapter 25

While these ideals are simple and universally agreeable, they also reveal a challenge. To be made better, or “made beautiful,” as King Solomon mentioned, indicates the personal processing of self in the attainment of these interpersonal treasures.

 

For some people, unity with family is as simple as an agreed upon Sundy dinner, annual gatherings, or times shared in celebration and in loss together. But for many, unity of family may look like an “agree to disagree” arrangement. Take for example, Abraham and his nephew, Lot. They loved each other. But as they continued growing in their respective area of influence and power, conflict resulted. Abraham, in his wisdom, made an offer to his nephew.

“Hey, this land is no longer big enough for both of us. Pick which direction you want to go and expand in. I’ll go in the opposite direction. This way, there will be no strife (conflict) between us.”

“Because we love each other. And the day may come where we need to fight for one another, and I don’t want unresolved conflict to cause hesitation if that day ever comes.”

 

And as the story goes, Abraham later found out that his nephew had been taken prisoner by a hostile nation. Did he hesitate to go fight for his nephew? Absolutely not. Abraham rolled out with his own militia, and rescued his nephew when the opportunity came to keep his covenant of family unity.

Unity with family does not always mean we always agree with one another. The core agreement, rather, is that we love each other enough not to allow our differences to divide us. Maturing in this understanding leads to peace. You don’t have to force anyone to agree with you. You don’t have to manipulate anyone to see things your way. Agree to love each other in times of peace and to fight for one another in times of war. This is unity of family because family will always find occasion to disagree on something that really means nothing at the end of this adventure we call life.

 

The winds of culture are constantly swirling the sounds of division, attack, and malice. But who is your neighbor? And why does their love matter? How do you love them in spite of your differences?

It wasn’t until the rise of “religiosity of politics” did I recognize how absolutely polarized we become over our opinions. We are all right in our own thinking, from our own world view, and our distinct experience of the great American experiment. Yet, one of the most powerful things I learned in law school is that every legal argument and outcome is determined by the way you frame the issue. When we throw our opinions around from an overly-narrow framework, we are always right in the question we pose based on our preconceived conclusions. However, when we broaden our perspective to include our neighbors, their needs, fears and desires, can we so easily conclude our own correctness?

 

I don’t think so.

 

I don’t have to agree with my neighbor to love my neighbor. Rather, by respecting their humanity, their right to their own perspective, and their need to be valued, then I can love them even when I totally disagree with their politics, religion, or even their lifestyle. The person I become is one that practices compassion, rather than condemnation. Mercy and not wrath.

 

In other words, I mature into the person that forgives you and prays for you, rather than hold grudges against you and seek to get my revenge on you. To many people, this has the appearance of weakness. But that could not be further from the truth. In fact, Solomon later says in this same stream of consciousness how it brings happiness to the person who has the opportunity to see his enemy brought to justice. When a person chooses to be your enemy in spite of your effort to love them as a neighbor, they have placed themselves on the wrong side of justice. The neighbor who walks in wisdom know that the day will come that ugliness receives its just deserts. The temptation we learn to overcome, then, is not to take it upon ourselves to be the judge, jury and executioner. You can sleep peacefully at night when you’ve done your part, even when your neighbor refuses to reciprocate.

 

Marriage is the great bar exam of life. It is a grueling test of grit, determination, and endurance. But it is worth the grind. And what Solomon reveals in this ancient wisdom nugget is the pleasure of agreement.

 

Am I the partner who has to always be right? Do I dominate discussions when we disagree? To I interrupt, minimize or dismiss my partner?  

 

Carefully examining ourselves increases opportunities for negotiating peace, agreement and reduction of friction in marriage. For my husband and me, many of our challenges navigating teenage shenanigans have been rewarding. The reason why? We are on the same team. Our teenager is not going to divide and conquer our home. We are “on code” when it comes to navigating him through the wild-wild world of adolescence. For many families, this is a stage of life that can easily disrupt harmony at home. But when dad and mom are on the same page with training and equipping their kids, then we naturally figure out how to bear hug the kids—even when they have a smelly attitude.

 

Agreement reduces friction because expectations are set. Even during a recent premarital counseling session, I was delighted how this young couple took on the challenge of having a “business meeting” for their future marriage. Agreements like, “let’s never go to bed angry with one another,” or “let’s agree to always depart with ‘I love you’ even when things are tough” are the types of agreement that remind couples that you are on the same team.

 

These ancient insights are an inspiration to approach love differently. It takes courage to love this way.  When you know I love you for real, you don’t have to be afraid that I’m rejecting you when I disagree with you. Whether the interaction is with your family, neighbors, or your partner, this framework is built to last. It reminds us that love is a personal process—a becoming of your personal ideal. It is not selfish, self-centered nor demanding. Can you imagine how many disputes came before Solomon’s court in all of these scenarios?  How would we love differently if we applied this legal precedent to our own lives?

 

Be blessed and encouraged,

Char