How the “N” Word is Trending Destruction of Modern Families (The Villain-Victim Deception Pt. 1

Do you feel trapped in a toxic relationship? Do you self-identify as an empath or highly-sensitive person? Have you reached the painful conclusion that the only way to end your suffering is to totally abandon this relationship because there is no hope your abuser will ever change?

 

If this is you, then read closely.  [This is a long post. I will do my best to deliver these insights in a series of smaller digestible chunks.] 

There is a social phenomenon that has been creeping into the homes of broken-hearted people throughout the nation. Sadly, the comfort and emotional validation offered by this ideology is ripping more and more families apart, simply because of its undeniable logic. This phenomenon is the new “N-word.” It is the partner-led diagnosis of parents, lovers and friends. And if you have reached the conclusion your suffering is being driven by a narcissist, then the arguments I am asserting in this series of writings may offend you and challenge your beliefs, feelings, and logical reasoning. 

 

“There really are that many narcissists,” said Dr. Joyce, a licensed Atlanta clinician. 

 

I remained puzzled, “Come on, now,” I prodded. “How did all of these narcissists suddenly come out of nowhere?” I challenged her, respectfully unconvinced. 

 

Her response fell flat. All she knew was that she saw a growing number of these personality traits appearing in her practice. She comforted her patients with the conclusion based on the DSM description of narcissism. She could not deny what she was hearing from her own patients—and their abusers. 

 

Dr. Joyce and I are friendly and mature enough to “agree to disagree.” But it bothered me that someone who shared so many commonalities with my own worldview would be so willing to slap the N-word on so many people in struggling marriages. Even worse, she had accepted the premise that some people cannot be healed or restored from their psychological and spiritual brokenness. For me, there were too many unanswered questions.

 

A year later, I had a similar discussion with Dr. Linda, an Atlanta-based psychiatrist. “Are there that many clinical narcissists in our society now,” I asked with a child-like curiosity. 

 

“No,” she responded very directly. “I don’t believe that is what we are seeing.”

 

I was intrigued by her openness and directness of my challenge towards the clinical community. I proposed some of my arguments to her. She slowly nodded her head, “That is very possible. It makes sense.” She was even more compelled by my observations from the legal system where our work overlaps.

 

In the matter of Dr. Joyce vs. Dr. Linda, I invite you to be the jury. Joyce represents the growing popular culture—there are narcissists everywhere and there is no hope for healing them. Dr. Linda, on the other hand, questions the clinical tidal wave that has been wiping out marriages at warp speed. 

 

The phenomenon most popularly known as narcissistic abuse is a real experience. Men and women are feeling drained and helpless in their relationships. They are feeling targeted and literally as though their life is being drained from them. The N-word, a life-sucking vampire, is their villain. And the only explanation they have found for their lived experience of dying a slow death—emotionally and even physically—is that the “other” is the N-word. With this explanation in hand, the “victim” slowly embraces the only widely available cure for their affliction: You have to abandon the relationship. Armed with an ideology that validates their experience, “victims” follow the advice of their clinicians, leaving their narcissist in a brave act of abandonment. 

 

As I continue to unpack what I call “The Victim-Villain Deception,” I will emphasize the injustice to both sides of a narcissistic abusive relationship. For too many people who have diagnosed their own partners, family and friends, they remain in suffering. They continue telling the same story over and over again, but there is never any true redemption of their own value that exists independent of surviving a narcissist. Why is that? 

 

If you have already abandoned your narcissist, why are you still haunted by the agonizing affliction of their abuse? Why do you still replay the story over-and-over again? Why are you still struggling to liberate yourself from the dark, damp depths of your own soul?

 

If it is not already obvious to the reader, I will be frank: I have already concluded that the clinical community is wrong. The evidence will show that individuals who follow the clinical trend—"they can’t be healed, so leave them”—are the same families who are on an endless cycle of clinically-driven litigation that is destroying their children, their joy and their financial resources. 

 

I do not deny that some people are certified “N-words,” for real. However, I too was once convinced that I was married to one. It wasn’t until I began to challenge the dominant cultural perspective and the bottomless algorithm feed that I found peace, healing, and connection on my marriage. But I had to be willing to be counter-cultural to find the nuance of what so many people like myself have experienced and continue to suffer through in silence. 

 

The purpose of the adversarial system of law is to find truth. This advisory will seek to confront the prevailing dialogue that is wreaking havoc in families with no end in sight. Prayerfully, you will abandon the victim label which has been fueling your own suffering. Ultimately, my objective is to offer an alternative logical and spiritual framework that reveals the path to truth which helps you encounter enduring peace, power and healing. My hope for you is that you will embrace freedom from fear of anyone ever abusing you again. 

 

Be blessed and encouraged, 

Judge Char