The simplest way to get over it

Are you struggling with negative feelings caused by unresolved conflict with a partner, coworker, friend or family member? Have you been replaying the offense on a continuous loop? Driving you deeper into negative emotion?

 

So it happened. They shouldn’t have said that. They shouldn’t have done that. What in the world were they thinking? And now, you are the one left holding the emotional bag. And even worse, they have spun the narrative to make you the villain after they did you wrong. You vented to everyone who would listen. And each time you replay the situation in your mind, the emotional sting hurts as much as it did during the original episode. 

 

You are stuck. 

 

And perhaps this is where you want to be. Maybe it feels good while you imagine 101 ways to stage your revenge. The stage lighting goes dark. Your face becomes lit in ominous red lighting. The scary music plays in the background. And you release a wicked little chuckle as you picture the other person falling flat on their face, stumbling down a flight of stairs. 

 

Mu-ha-ha-ha!

 

But if you have an ounce of humanity remaining, you are not actually satisfied by this. Sure, you can have them publicly humiliated. Toss all of their dirty laundry into the streets. And the truth is that if their life were tragically ended today, you would still have an aching reminder of what happened. The moment of gratification when you see their suffering fades faster than the sour feelings you’ve been carrying around. And the opportunities you had to live free from the weight of conflict piled up, wasted with another sad love song. 

 

Do you really want to remain angry? What if they had no idea how deeply they hurt you? What if they deeply regret what they did? And even if they intended to inflict misery on you, what justice is there in them going on with their lives while you lie wounded on the battlefield, unable to recover? 

 

Are you ready to let it go?

 

You have rehearsed this matter so many times that even your bestie has been hinting, “I think its time for you to get over this.” But the real reason you haven’t, why you have handcuffed yourself to that situation, is your deep, unsatisfied desire for fairness. What happened was not fair. And now, you hold on to a hope in something outside of yourself to finally make things fair. 

 

Fair is not going to happen. 

 

What about the times you hurt someone else? The way you participated in gossip behind someone else’s back? The way you were delighted by the juicy morsels of the office grapevine at someone else’s expense? Did you receive what was fair for your participation in one of the most painful and harmful forms of low-level human entertainment?

 

Or what about that time you had the best of intentions, but it was misinterpreted by the other person? What about the times you were the reason someone cried themselves to sleep? Have you received your just reward for hurting them that way?

 

The reason we remain stuck on something someone else did to us is because we have a very long memory when it comes to the failings of others, and a very short memory when it comes to our own. We stay stuck because we finally have a “right” that can be enforced against someone else. We can finally put the spotlight on another person’s flaws so that we don’t have to see our own. But the fact that you are stuck is evidence of your flawed sense of having the higher moral ground. It does not mean that the other person was justified in doing what they did. It simply means that your inability to forgive them has now balanced the scales. You are now equally as wrong as they were in the moment. 

 

Unforgiveness is never justice. It is malice, the same energy that is the mental state of a 1^st degree murder. And if you want to maintain your standing as a decent human being, then you need to recognize the presence of malice when it has taken root inside of your thoughts in response to unhealed wounds. They stole from you. But you spiritually stabbed them. They lied to you, but you imagined a most horrific final destination for them when you yourself tell lies. Where is the justice in that? 

 

The most simple way to get over it is to extend forgiveness and mercy. None of us have received the full potential consequence for bad acts in our past. And when you have this compassionate confrontation with your own imperfect self, it becomes just a little bit easier to let things go. You become the traffic officer who just saw someone driving like a real jerk, swerving in and out of a school zone at 70 miles per hour. You stop them. They roll down the window with tears in their eyes, “I’m trying to make it to the hospital, my kid just started an emergency round of chemotherapy, and I just got the call at work.” 

 

And you, as the officer, having full authority and discretion to make them pay the full penalty of the law, rethink the situation. He could have just killed someone else’s kid. How selfish! But thankfully, he didn’t. So you warn him. “This is a school zone. We don’t want any other parents rushing off to the hospital now do we?”

 

“No, we don’t,” says the driver. 

 

“Well, I’m sorry about your kid. Slow down. And I’m giving you this warning instead of the reckless driving ticket.”

 

We can issue warning without putting people in the gas chamber. And when we do this, there is an amazing release of personal power that attracts more opportunities and supportive relationships to you. Forgive them. And allow universal justice to handle things on your behalf without your participation in malice.

 

Be blessed and encouraged, 

Judge Char