Part 7 of The Villain-Victim Deception Series
Tina Turner sang it best:
We don’t need another hero.
Who is the hero in the narcissistic abuse love triangle? For some, it’s a therapist. For others, a parent or spiritual leader. Still for others, the hero is an alter-ego. But why do you feel the need to be “saved” from your experience of narcissistic abuse?
The answer was articulated most powerfully by my dear friend, Kisha Ann Brown. In her teachings, the hero is a manifestation of the trauma response. It is the person you turn to for strength when you are afraid or unsure what to do. But even more, according to Brown, the hero is necessary because the unmatured, unhealed aspect of your inner child was not trained how to skillfully navigate life under similar circumstances. Based on Brown’s analysis, it is reasonable to conclude that the necessity of a hero is caused by the presence of a helpless child.
Yet very few people are willing to admit they are children masquerading in adult clothing. Rather, they dress up as the hero. Their baseline stress responder is constantly on hypervigilance or higher. They are constantly on threat alert, ready to eliminate any enemy to their survival.
Fight-or-Flight has become their normal room temperature setting.
For many, there was a point in their life—usually as a young child or adolescent—where they had to fend for themselves in some regards. There may have been an absent or abusive parent. An ignorant caregiver. An adult masquerading as a parent who was never trained as a child. And what results is children that become adults and never fully develop into adults with the ability to skillfully navigate their own emotions.
I remember when I came to this personal realization in my own marriage. The way I discovered this was totally unexpected. I represented two different “Kathryns,” both 60 years old and both having suffered traumatic brain injury. As I share in my personal memoir, Trauma Transformation: Examining the Evidence, I was faced with two very teenage women—even though they were old enough to be my mother.
And seeing the arrested development in my elders forced me to see my own arrested development.
I was looking for a hero because I was still the traumatized teenager delivering her hidden pregnancy in the back of an ambulance.
I was longing for a hero because I was still the sixteen year old who had a gun suddenly placed at my temple.
I was desperate for a hero because I was still the nineteen year old girl who was one bad choice away from another round of homelessness and another night afraid of physical violence from a jealous lover.
But I didn’t stop being the victim until I saved myself. I stopped waiting for Shrek to awaken me and sweep me away from the dragon’s keep. I got out of bed, reached under my pillow, grabbed my sword, and slayed some dragon butt.
And the same is true for anyone who falsely believes they are a victim. It’s simply not true. There are a number of ways you can reclaim your true identity. Pick the person, program or modality that feels right for you. Only promise yourself one thing: Never lie to yourself. You don’t need a hero. You simply need to step into your true identity as one who is powerful, capable, and worthy of love.
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