Do you ever feel like screaming, running or rage quitting whenever a disagreement arises in your relationship? Have you found yourself feeling threatened whenever negative emotions pop up like a whack-a-mole in the middle of your love affair? Do you find—more often than not—a sense of guilt or shame for the way you respond in the heat of the moment?
Law can often be discovered at the center of two extremes. What I am revealing in this post is one of the most hidden, yet powerful laws that unlock unlimited potential—and love.
Emotional Detachment
Let’s face it—nobody enjoys the presence of negative emotion. For some, it is literally too much to handle. Most people equate love with positive emotions, smiling faces and laughter. But when everyone is tense, confused, or frowny-faced, it is tempting to emotionally disengage.
This coping mechanism is the “flight” mode of our survival instinct. Rather than engage on the nasty battle field of negative emotion, a person chooses to totally disengage from their emotions. But because the emotions are preinstalled programming in our human operating system, the emotionally detached do not remain permanently in this state. Rather, after time and temperature take their course on unexpressed (constipated) negative emotion, the pendulum eventually swings in the opposite extreme.
Emotional Reactivity
One the pressure has built up with no healthy regulation, the emotionally detached person “pops off,” reacting to negative emotions which were buried deep within. What results is often an overreaction which creates confusion and a sense of danger in others. The emotionally reactive is in the “fight” mode of human survival. This person often believes there is no other option. They attempted to retreat. They warned you to leave them alone. And then—suddenly—they disorient you with emotional diarrhea.
The Law of Limitless Love
If you have ever considered the fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), an interesting principle of life and love emerges. The fruit are listed in the following order:
love
joy
peace
longsuffering
gentleness
goodness
faith
meekness
temperance.
Now imagine this list is the outline of a tree. Each of these behaviors, ideals, or characteristics are branches on a tree. The first ones in the list are on the highest branches. But the lower branches consist of the characteristics listed last on the list. The picture that emerges is a map of how you begin the process of climbing the tree of true love. The lowest hanging branch of this love tree is temperance, or self-control.
The rule of law, then, is that there is no love without self-control. In other words, true love begins with self-control. How many times have you considered love as a form of discipline? When you learn and practice discipline over your own emotions, you become stronger in love over the long term. Discipline is how you refuse to “flight” into a total emotional shutdown. Discipline is the same power that regulates emotional reactivity that catapults you into “flight” for surviving the threat that is often attached to yucky feelings.
Self-control is what regulates your selfishness from engaging in an extramarital affair. It is the speed bump that regulates the impulse to cuss somebody out, throw dishes, or threaten divorce. The heat of passion is the necessary environment to exercise self control. But rather than lifting weights to strengthen our self control, many of us have been conditioned to recklessly abandon ourselves to passion—for better or for worse.
And reckless abandonment is not love.
I challenge you to take inventory of your emotions—and responses—the very next time a flareup visits your relationship. Take a break from the action. Let your partner know how long you will step away from the disagreement and when you are willing to return to discuss things with a clear head. This “time out” method is a powerful tool for practicing self-control for the sake of love. The better you become utilizing this skill, the less you will find your self saying or doing things you will later regret.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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