Why Your Marriage NEEDS to Feel Boring

Why Your Marriage Needs to Feel Boring

Do you feel like life is so boring that you're just ready to throw in the towel on it all and start something new, exciting, or even dangerous? Do you find that your husband is boring? That his routine is unstimulating and that you just need an edge of excitement, a change of scenery, a change of pace?

 

If this sounds like you and the routine of the quietness and the predictability has you ready to scream and run away from home, then it could be that you have been living in a state of hypervigilance.

 

 Think about it. We are so overstimulated emotionally as a society. As little children. we watched children's shows with overdramatized characters and overemphasized emotions and huge hand gestures and the big, wild faces of excitement.

 

This conditioning continued as we grew into older kids and older kid programming. For many of us, it was cartoons, but again, all hooked by our emotions. You get into adolescence and if you were tracking when I was tracking as an adolescent, then it was at the height of daytime television dramas and the height of tantalizing talk show culture of drama. Finding out that your mama slept with your man and then breaking out into fighting on the stage. From one season of life into the next, we've been totally hooked. We have been emotionally stimulated, drama dragged, endlessly excited, thrilled, and always wanting more. But then somehow, when we get  married—especially to a good man—he is pretty routine, pretty predictable, pretty happy to be home.  

 

And that can feel like dying a slow death when you are so accustomed to constantly being in your emotions.

 

Perhaps even if, you were anything like myself, you were so dramatic in your need for emotional overstimulation that you would start fights and create these scenes where you have this heated argument only to make up again.

 

Extreme highs and extreme lows are signs of the hypervigilance of trauma. These are the responses of an unhealed child that has never experienced the balance of emotional normalcy. The child who is frightened by the silence of peace and the balance of emotions at rest. For many people in today's society, just the idea of not having your phone is enough to make you want to pause and frown—maybe even panic.

 

How could I not have my phone with the?

 

How many people drive around with the radio off, having nothing playing in the background? Only the sound of nothing. How many of us take the time to quiet our thoughts just to hear  what it is that we're actually thinking about? We are an overly emotionalized society and a lot of the happiness, a lot of the joy, a lot of the contentment that we truly desire in our relationship,  lives right within the borders of boring.

 

What we were told is boring, predictable, routine—is actually the sweet spot.

 

Who doesn't want the security of knowing they won’t be threatened with abandonment? Who wouldn't want the safety and the confidence of knowing that you ain't going nowhere and I ain't going nowhere?

 

Who doesn't want to feel secure in love?

 

So the next time you feel the anxiety of needing to do something exciting, having to take the next trip, desperate for the next adventure, hungry for something a little bit edgy and a little bit dangerous—

 

Consider whether or not you have been living in an overstimulated, unnatural state that is actually getting you less  of what it is you truly want and desire and more frustration, conflict, and for too many, even heartbreak. This is because we haven't learned how to embrace the boring. Boring is beautiful. In fact, boring isn't boring at all. It’s stimulating. It's where you get to discover who you really are when you don't have to be “on” for the world.

 

And you can just. Be. You.

 

Just be you with your bonnet and your bathrobe. Just be you with your cheesecake and your favorite book. Just be you with nothing to do but simply be and connect with yourself.

This is my challenge for you today, and every day you’re tempted to start a fight out of boredom.

 

Be blessed and encouraged,

Judge Char