Do you feel like every time you attempt to share your goals with your partner or loved one or a friend, more oftentimes than not, you find yourself explaining what you really mean because they're not understanding you? Perhaps they are confused by your choice of words?
This may indicate an unresolved internal conflict. What if I told you that the key to finding the win-win with the other person is possible only after you have resolved the fight within yourself?
Principles for Resolving Internal conflict
In the world of conflict resolution, one of the key guiding principles is that there's always a win-win. The issue is that many people come into conflict wanting the other side to move before they themselves are willing to make a move. And when you begin your conflict resolution strategy expecting the other person to change their position first, then you're setting yourself up for more frustration. This is because you are attempting to protect your own position without taking a risk.
Just to recap, a sincere apology is the most powerful tool for the restorative justice to the soul of another human being. Few of us have had this powerful framework taught or modeled for us, which includes:
- Acknowledgment and validation of the other person’s experience; and
- Ownership of your contribution (before defending); and
- Assurance of good intentions.
Because we practice conflict resolution based on what was modeled for us by our parents, or learned through trial and error, we all have opportunities to sharpen this 100% non-negotiable skillset for relationship growth and endurance. Unfortunately, too many people suffer disconnect and frustration in their relationships because of the ugliest apology I’ve ever personally experienced—I’m sorry if you feel that way. Here is my short list of what is absolutely wrong and the reason why this attempted apology often makes things worse.
A disagreement can go from zero to raggedy in five seconds flat, depending on your development of this. 100% absolutely necessary skillset in navigating being a human being in a world with other humans.
And that is how to apologize.
Elements of a proper apology
Before we get into the number one, worst way to ever apologize to a person, I'd like to quickly cover common issues that often show up and cause deterioration, more hurt, more misunderstanding, and ultimately leads to breakups in many relationships.
Do you feel like life is so boring that you're just ready to throw in the towel on it all and start something new, exciting, or even dangerous? Do you find that your husband is boring? That his routine is unstimulating and that you just need an edge of excitement, a change of scenery, a change of pace?
If this sounds like you and the routine of the quietness and the predictability has you ready to scream and run away from home, then it could be that you have been living in a state of hypervigilance.
ina Turner sang it best:
We don’t need another hero.
Who is the hero in the narcissistic abuse love triangle? For some, it’s a therapist. For others, a parent or spiritual leader. Still for others, the hero is an alter-ego. But why do you feel the need to be “saved” from your experience of narcissistic abuse?
