love, healing, faith, connection, play, diplomacy, negotiation, pastoral care, pastor at law, mediation benefits, relationship conflict resolution, marriage building, legal system reform, community support, rebuild marriage, non-adversarial approach, partner in healing, empowering process, investment in marriage, judgment-free support, joy and laughter, holistic transformation
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Are you struggling with feeling heard or understood in your relationship? Have you thrown in the towel trying to speak or voice your opinion? Do you find more comfort in being alone and away from the painful reminders that something is "off" in your relationship? Are you tired of trying and thinking about walking away or starting all over with someone else?
What if I told you that the problem is not the absence of love, but rather, the absence of rhythm? And that if you learn how to dance in the space where both of your hearts harmonize, you will experience joy and laughter again--even without waiting for the other person to change.
When you understand that every relationship involves a contract, and that contracts are the soundtrack of our lives, then you can confidently dance in harmony with the other person without losing sync with your own heart. What most people are not aware of in their relationships is that the best music--that is, collaboration--is designed by the beautiful balance of all the different sounds that are composed and weaved together. In your relationship, you may be a flute, a drum, or even a trumpet. If you take any one of those sounds and play it too loudly, you create a nuisance, not music. What happens in our relationships is that we attempt to blow our trumpet louder than the banking of the other person's drum. That is why a relationship artist, or mediator, is the perfect approach for harmonizing the various beats, sounds and rhythms that have been competing in your relationship and resulting in a cacophony of painful, nerve-racking noise.
Mediation is the art of harmonizing shared spaces and creating room for each person in the relationship to feel heard, respected and understood. Like a symphony composer, your mediator has developed a love and appreciation for every sound that exists within the orchestra. But even more, the composer sets her heart on weaving all of those sounds together to create harmony. Relationship contracts work exactly the same way. He has thoughts, opinions, and needs. She has thoughts, opinions, and needs. At some point, one or both sides step out of rhythm because their needs are not being met. They have tried, with little success, to advocate for their needs, but have found they hurt the person they love in the process. In response, the other spouse begins clashing their symbols--struggling to interrupt your self-centeredness so that you do not lose sign that they, too, have pain.
In marriage, it is very tempting to look at your partner as the source of your pain. Sometimes, through negligence or even by intention, your spouse is the source of your pain. But what I have found from my family law practice, family coaching, and even my own marriage, is that a significant proportion of your pain has very little to do with what your partner is (or is not) doing. In fact, in the overwhelming majority of cases, the frustration, distance, loneliness or rejection you are feeling in your marriage is actually your own heart crying out for attention to a wound you have been ignoring. Your heart has been sending out the rhythm of sorrow over an injustice from the past that you never resolved. And instead of stepping into the rhythm of that sorrow to heal, you run. You escape into a place that promises more pleasure than the painful beating resonating from your own heart.
Navigating your relationship contract--beginning with agreements you have made with yourself--is the first step to harmonizing your life with your partner. When you gain the confidence to dance by yourself, you gain the skills to find the sweet spot where your rhythm synchronizes with the rhythm of your spouse. You become more aware of how their heart is beating. You skillfully and lovingly pull them onto the dance floor of life to join you without stepping on each other's feet.
And at the core of all of this dancing, grooving, and harmony lies each and every relationship contract you have ever made, and that you will continue to build throughout the symphony of your life.
If you would like help exploring your relationship contract, and possibly mediating harmony between you and your partner, book a Family Strategy Call with us today.
To your future,
Char
love, healing, faith, connection, play, diplomacy, negotiation, pastoral care, pastor at law, mediation benefits, relationship conflict resolution, marriage building, legal system reform, community support, rebuild marriage, non-adversarial approach,
partner in healing, empowering process, investment in marriage, judgment-free support, joy and laughter, holistic transformation,
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Are you ready to be unstoppable? To live again when it seems like your dreams have already died?
Many people find themselves in unhealthy, unproductive cycles. They continue circling the same issue--mountain--that threatens to make them feel helpless, overwhelmed, and afraid. The key to breaking the cycle, is to renegotiate your deal. Bad deals are rooted in beliefs that do not serve you. They are lies--imaginary thieves--that live only on the power of your AGREEMENT. When you identify the lie, break your deal with the lie, and then design a NEW DEAL with TRUTH, you build muscle--faith--that gives you the courage to move mountains out of your way.
And unfortunately, when we are plagued by wounds that took root in our hearts (beliefs) as children, we have to build muscle through faith in the truth in order to break out of the limits left behind by caregivers who often carried the same brokeness in their own belief system. For too many, the broken, fearful and limited beliefs of the caregiver were conditioned, or programmed into young children who did not know how far that damage would travel along with them into adulthood. Therefore, the process of renegotiating the bad deals from a wounded past produces faith in hope for this present moment.
Faith (agreement) comes by hearing (reminders). That is why it is so important for you to take some next steps. And you probably already know this, but for me, those steps began with developing an intimate understanding of the Father's heart for ME.
So that is why I want to share a beautiful insight I found in the scriptures. I invite you to join me for a story that unfolds in Mathew (9:18-26), Mark (5:21-43), and Luke (8:40-46).
This is the story of the Father, his heart, and his offer to you. How do I know?
The story begins with a religious leader, named Jairus. His daughter was very ill. He was a human father who represents the natural God-given affection towards his child: a desire for his child to be whole.
And just in case this message to us was not clear, Heaven interrupted the episode with an ad. You see, in the middle of going to carry out the will of a human father, Jesus was stopped in his tracks. The "woman with the issue of blood" made contact. She AGREED with her Heavenly Father's will that she be whole, healed, and in peace.
How do we know this?
Not only was she healed when she accomplished her agreement with a touch. Jesus stopped in the middle of a crowd to confirm the Heavenly Father's acceptance of agreement with her: Daughter, be in peace. Your faith (agreement) has healed you.
As though that was not enough to make you hop out your chair and shout Halleluyah, the drama continued to unfold. Jesus resumed his journey to the 12 year old girl--on behalf of her parents--to bring her back from the dead.
Because our Heavenly Father can bring life into any situation we already gave up on.
The old woman who was bleeding spent everything she had...
Doctors could not fix her problem...
But agreeing with the king of all kings and His OFFER OF PEACE AND HEALING was when things finally and dramatically changed in her life.
And for the young girl...
Her Father had not given up on her.
And if your biological father hasn't pulled his weight for a miracle on your behalf...
These passages present indisputable evidence that our Heavenly Father's agreement is the only thing you need for the change you have been searching for, crying for, and even dying for.
Don't sleep on this offer.
It is the Father's heart.
He made you to be in peace.
He designed you to be whole.
And for too many of us...
Raggedy parenting, misfortune, and ignorance created circumstances that hid this truth from us.
But if you will ONLY AGREE with what your Father in Heaven says about you...
Your life is only just beginning.
I love you!
Heavenly Father,
Thank you for another day with breath in my body.
Thank you for the blood flowing through my veins.
Thank you for your new mercies to share the gift of this day with me.
I take courage in this day because I know that you cannot fail me.
And that is why I am asking you for the bread that will feed my soul.
I have been heavy in my heart
I have been exhausted in my soul
I have been disappointed by people time after time again
And when I feel disconnected in my marriage...
When the person who is supposed to be closest to me is the furthest from me,
It breaks my heart.
I am bringing the shattered pieces of my heart to you today.
Because I know you care.
You know the number of hairs I have on my body.
You know my innermost thoughts...
My dreams, and my fears.
And one of those fears has been facing life with a broken heart.
I cannot bear it.
And that is why I am crying out to you today.
Because you promised that you heal the brokenhearted
You said that you care about the things that burden me
And even now, while things seem to be all wrong in my marriage...
I trust that you are the one who will use the pain that we are both facing
To turn all of the shattered and broken glass of our feelings
Into a beautiful story of triumph over the odds.
I pray that you help me to see what I need to learn from this pain
Teach me to appreciate the purpose in all of this.
And I ask you to fill me with your peace.
The type of peace that does not focus on the tiny details of the circumstances.
But the type of peace that commands the winds.
Because I know that is how you want me to use this pain.
You want me to create my own experience of this life.
Where I am always the victorious, and never the victim.
Father, I also ask for your joy.
Because your joy gives me strength to keep moving forward.
To keep choosing to love, even when love hurts.
To find laughter and appreciation in the places that I have overlooked.
To allow the laughter of life to be the medicine I need as you strengthen my heart.
Thank you for being with me.
At times, marriage feels so lonely.
Which makes no sense to me.
But I take comfort in knowing that I am never alone.
And even when my spouse does not understand me.
Or when they do not seem to care at all about the way I am suffering right now.
I can always trust you to always be true.
I can trust you to always be love.
Even when I am behaving in an unlovable way.
Or when my spouse is pushing my patience to the fullest of my limits.
I can rest and know that it is not by my own strength, but by yours that I heal.
Thank you for every moment of broken-ness in my life.
So that I may witness the power of your healing touch.
And that I may take comfort in your loving embrace.
As you create a new heart for me.
