“Please keep in mind that I do not want to hear the two of you fighting.”
This was the love note that our child, who was 11 years old at the time, passed to me and my husband during one of the rockiest seasons of our marriage. Have you lost sight of how your children are impacted by your fighting at home? Have you convinced yourself that “kids are resilient” and they simply just roll with the punches while mom and dad are going at it?
What I'm about to share with you is what we've unpacked with more than 127 weeks of regular family meetings, and perhaps it's time for your family to consider a similar type of meeting.
When our child said to us that he felt dishonored when he could hear us having our disagreements, my husband and I had to take a real serious look at ourselves. We had to reconsider how we were treating him. We had to face the hard truth that we had lost sight of him while we were going through our different power struggles.
We accomplished this through small family meetings. We meet once each week. Each meeting takes about 30 to 45 minutes most weeks. For our agenda, we cycle through three different areas of life. Everyone gets to share what it is that they need from the family. For example, week number one is love. Each person shares three to five things that makes them feel loved.
[Side note: When you're starting off, the fewer requests, the better.]
Everyone takes turns sharing how they feel loved. The next week, you talk about honor. Honor is how you feel valued as a human being, as a child of God. How do you feel honored? How do you feel valued?
And this was the week when our kiddo said, “Keep in mind, I do not like to hear the two of you fighting.”
We had to accept this meant even when it would be a “civil” disagreement where we were obviously not agreeing with each other, and the tension could be felt in the room.
He didn't like it. It created stress and anxiety for him because he loves both of his parents. He didn't want to be privy to the fact that mom and dad don't always get along and that it doesn't always sound so nice. So we made a decision as a family that we were going to honor each other in different ways. For him, when it came to when and how we would have disagreements, we made some changes so that he would no longer feel dishonored by us.
The third week of the meeting agenda is respect. “When my family does this for me, it communicates respect to me.” So you talk about those things and you give feedback to your family. How did we do the past week? How can we do better moving forward? How can we all be accountable and show up differently?
And after 127 consistent meetings, when we cycled back into the week of honor and our kiddo said. “Keep in mind that I don't like to hear the two of you fighting. Hey . . .I haven't heard you guys fight in a really long time. High five for everyone!”
This is what the business of family looks like, the business of marriage, the legacy of love that we take our relationships as seriously as we treat work outside of our homes. We take it so seriously, we are actually tracking KPIs through our meeting agenda.
And our reward? An unsolicited kudos that hugged us with the sentiment, “thank y'all for honoring me in this very pow erful way.”
And if you would like to practice our family meeting, I have a template. I'm happy to share it with you. Just click on the link, sign up for it.
You'll get an email. Tweak it. Make it your own. The most important thing is to do it consistently. That is the one thing that I'm very thankful to my husband for. He has the discipline of a pro athlete. We rarely miss a meeting unless mom wigs out and forgets to put something on the calendar.
Treating our family like a business has changed all of us in very meaningful ways. I believe it can do the same for yours. So click on the link and download your copy of our family meeting, which got us an A++ from our own child who was once terrified to hear mom and dad having disagreements. The same child who was tired and afraid each time we had a blow up is now giving us kudos for honoring him as a very important part of our family.
He doesn't want to hear it.
I believe all of our children deserve room, to have a voice at the table. What do you think?
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
Human connection disclosure: This post is 100% human curated and is not generated by Ai.
Do you feel like every time you attempt to share your goals with your partner or loved one or a friend, more oftentimes than not, you find yourself explaining what you really mean because they're not understanding you? Perhaps they are confused by your choice of words?
This may indicate an unresolved internal conflict. What if I told you that the key to finding the win-win with the other person is possible only after you have resolved the fight within yourself?
Principles for Resolving Internal conflict
In the world of conflict resolution, one of the key guiding principles is that there's always a win-win. The issue is that many people come into conflict wanting the other side to move before they themselves are willing to make a move. And when you begin your conflict resolution strategy expecting the other person to change their position first, then you're setting yourself up for more frustration. This is because you are attempting to protect your own position without taking a risk.
Just to recap, a sincere apology is the most powerful tool for the restorative justice to the soul of another human being. Few of us have had this powerful framework taught or modeled for us, which includes:
- Acknowledgment and validation of the other person’s experience; and
- Ownership of your contribution (before defending); and
- Assurance of good intentions.
Because we practice conflict resolution based on what was modeled for us by our parents, or learned through trial and error, we all have opportunities to sharpen this 100% non-negotiable skillset for relationship growth and endurance. Unfortunately, too many people suffer disconnect and frustration in their relationships because of the ugliest apology I’ve ever personally experienced—I’m sorry if you feel that way. Here is my short list of what is absolutely wrong and the reason why this attempted apology often makes things worse.
A disagreement can go from zero to raggedy in five seconds flat, depending on your development of this. 100% absolutely necessary skillset in navigating being a human being in a world with other humans.
And that is how to apologize.
Elements of a proper apology
Before we get into the number one, worst way to ever apologize to a person, I'd like to quickly cover common issues that often show up and cause deterioration, more hurt, more misunderstanding, and ultimately leads to breakups in many relationships.
Do you feel like life is so boring that you're just ready to throw in the towel on it all and start something new, exciting, or even dangerous? Do you find that your husband is boring? That his routine is unstimulating and that you just need an edge of excitement, a change of scenery, a change of pace?
If this sounds like you and the routine of the quietness and the predictability has you ready to scream and run away from home, then it could be that you have been living in a state of hypervigilance.
