A disagreement can go from zero to raggedy in five seconds flat, depending on your development of this. 100% absolutely necessary skillset in navigating being a human being in a world with other humans.
And that is how to apologize.
Before we get into the number one, worst way to ever apologize to a person, I'd like to quickly cover common issues that often show up and cause deterioration, more hurt, more misunderstanding, and ultimately leads to breakups in many relationships.
Pride: The Stinky Underarms of Conflict Resolution
People who struggle with pride have a very, very difficult time apologizing. And there are a number of things that could be at play in the mind of a prideful person.
A prideful person experiences pain at the idea of not having the upper hand. Fear of actually being wrong. A prideful person may also struggle with perfectionism and wanting to be seen in a certain type of light, and therefore, struggles to apologize when confronted with an offense or a hurt that they caused another person.
Vigilante Justice
Another one of the issues is revenge. Many times people already know that an apology is in order. An apology is a form of justice. It is the acknowledgement of harm. It is the demonstration of remorse for causing pain. It communicates an assurance that you have the best intentions towards others.
Therefore, personal acknowledgment, remorse, and assurance of goodwill are the elements of an authentic apology. This apology delivers justice to the person who experienced harm. And in relationships, we hold an ancient wiring that requires justice for restoration of relationship breaches. For many people, they struggle to apologize when they know they are wrong because they, too, feel there has been an injustice against them. They are still experiencing an injustice from an offense—new or old.
When a person still holds an offense towards you for something that you did wrong to them, then they will refuse to apologize because they are still nursing old wounds. People seek their own justice through vengeance, grudges, or indirect attacks when they simply can't let it go because they have not been restored from their own pain. For the prideful, who cannot appear weak for fear of losing respect, there is often a lack of awareness or a lack of acknowledgement of their own injuries.
The Most Insulting Apology Ever
So now let's talk about the worst apology ever which I hope you will completely and totally scrub from your vernacular. Never use it. Never, ever again if you have ever spoken these words to another human being. The worst way to apologize to anyone is by saying these words:
I am sorry if you feel that way.
There are so many things wrong with this type of apology, which is why I, just want make it one of those touchstones, a rules of relationships. Never apologize like this.
If you are someone who is extremely logical, your are a likely offender. In my next post, we are going to analyze the anatomy of this phrase and why it often makes things worse. If you have ever been left scratching your head, wondering what you did wrong, then I am confronting you with compassion. I do not believe you lack empathy. I understand that things have to make sense to you in a certain type of way.
And if you are someone who is often confronted with this ugly apology, I am speaking to you also. Before you condemn your spouse, friend or loved one to relationship death row with the N-word tattooed to their forehead, carefully consider whether your offender simply lacks this essential relationship skill. We were not all taught how to fight fairly.
To be continued,
Judge Char
Human connection disclosure: This post is 100% human curated and is not generated by Ai.
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