Just to recap, a sincere apology is the most powerful tool for the restorative justice to the soul of another human being. Few of us have had this powerful framework taught or modeled for us, which includes:
- Acknowledgment and validation of the other person’s experience; and
- Ownership of your contribution (before defending); and
- Assurance of good intentions.
Because we practice conflict resolution based on what was modeled for us by our parents, or learned through trial and error, we all have opportunities to sharpen this 100% non-negotiable skillset for relationship growth and endurance. Unfortunately, too many people suffer disconnect and frustration in their relationships because of the ugliest apology I’ve ever personally experienced—I’m sorry if you feel that way. Here is my short list of what is absolutely wrong and the reason why this attempted apology often makes things worse.
First, there is a lack of ownership. What delivers justice to the offended person is an acknowledgement of your behavior that contributed to their pain. That doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. It simply means that there was something (perceived or imagined) you did or did not do (intentionally or accidentally) that resulted in someone else experiencing pain or discomfort.
One of the scenarios where this apology is offered is where the extremely logical is confused by the expression of emotion. The offender feels like they did nothing wrong and are confronted with their partner in very strong emotion from their affliction. The extremely logical person becomes disoriented by the emotional response, and still doesn't understand. The extremely logical person attempts to draw a logical nexus between the pain, and whether or not they intended to hurt the other person. And because the extremely logical offender still does not connect the dots—especially when they did not intend harm—they resort to apologizing for the way the other person feels.
The other reason why this is just wrong is because you do not have authority over the feelings or experience of another person. So when your partner says to you, ouch, that is within their experience, within their dominion.
Let them feel what they feel because their feelings are their business.
Therefore, your “sorry” for their “ouch” simply makes no sense because their feeling belongs to them. You can't apologize for what they feel. You can't own their experience. Perhaps you are interpreting their “ouch” as an accusation of guilt. Quite naturally, we want to absolve ourselves of wrongdoing when we feel blamed or attacked. For this reason, putting effective apologies into play requires the utmost skill.
Apologizing like a champion requires a reminder that you are not on trial. You are being invited to a reconciliation. It takes great strength in the moment to consider the “ouch.” From their perspective, you contributed to their painful experience. Your opportunity is to be a first responder to the “ouch,” to respond to the other’s pain with a degree of concern. If your partner fell down the stairs and cried out in pain, would you respond, “I’m not the one who pushed you”?
Then imagine, after you announce your innocence, you walk over to your partner who is writhing in pain on the floor. You stand over them while they are screaming in pain. Then you tell them, “it’s okay because I didn’t push you. Just stand up and pull yourself together.” In like fashion, when you say "I’m sorry if you feel like…” your words add insult to injury because you did not take the time to evaluate the injury.
The very syntax, “If you feel like” gives the impression that you are not convinced an injury occurred at all. Again, an apology is not an admission of fault or guilt. Your contribution may be based on your partner’s perception. It could be an actual contribution. Maybe you intended the “ouch.” Perhaps it was accidental. Rather than attempting to prove the other wrong, consider that acknowledging and validating that something happened to your partner is the most effective way to address the pain, rather than arguing over the facts or circumstances that preceded the “ouch.”
Finally, you do not have to agree with the facts and circumstances that led to your partner to feel the way that they feel. Again, this is a potential booby trap if you are overthinking the mechanics. The extremely logical wants to first understand the timeline and chronology to substantiate emotional reactivity. They ask, “how did we get from A to Z?” and have a tendency to get stuck their while their partner is bleeding out on the floor.
If you are that type of person that first demands proof of your fault provided in a logical sequence, be aware. You may be looking to reach the same conclusion as your partner so that you can agree that they are somehow justified in feeling the way that they feel.
This is an ugly way of apologizing.
Neglecting to first address the “ouch” deepens the wound. It makes recovering from the offense even more difficult, even take longer. This is because it leaves the offended person questioning and wondering how they could ever be honest with you about what they are experiencing emotionally.
You are not “safe.”
When you take the position from a logical analysis that you have to mathematically reach the same emotional outcome as the offended person, you have a bigger problem. You lack the skillset how to validate another person’s pain, apologize with personal self-awareness, and the self-discipline to restrain your defensiveness. Again. . . you don't have to agree with a person's emotions to evaluate their injury and understand how you may have contributed to it—even by mistake.
“ I'm sorry that you feel that way” should be a phrase we totally eliminate from the way we relate with other human beings. Rather we should all endeavor to practice humility, self-awareness, and accepting the fact that somehow at certain times in life, we are connected to someone else's experience of pain. We should all be reminded that we are being invited to assist in a reconciliation.
Validation and ownership are some of the most powerful ways to quickly get your relationship back on track, restore justice through understanding and kindness towards the one you love.
Approximately 90% of offenses we cause are unintentional, by mistake, or out of ignorance.
It takes a whole heap of humility and courage to be willing to say—
“Please forgive me…”
“I didn't know I hurt you…”
“I didn’t know it would hurt you that way...”
“I see how you could feel that way…”
“I never meant to hurt you that way . . .”
It takes a brave heart to ask for forgiveness. Effective apologies require true leadership. True leaders take ownership how we impact the lives of others. And when we relate to others with these empathy essentials, we discover resolution to our differences a lot more quickly and get back to the business of loving again.
Be blessed and encouraged.
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