Has resentment taken residence in your home, suffocating the atmosphere of joy and peace? Are your controlling behaviors pushing your partner away and preventing you from having the love you truly desire?
If anybody thought she was in control, it was me. I performed my very first music video with undeniable dedication. One of my hoop earrings had a house key dangling from it. And just like Miss Jackson, I had a curly perm. I was in control.
But…not really. And that faulty belief system is exactly why I jack-knifed my relationships as a teenager and young adult.
The premise of Janet Jackson’s hit song, “Control,” was the declaration of independence for an adolescent girl. But even more, it was a generational mantra for young women. You not only get to do what you want to do. You get to have control. But what is control? What can you control? Who can you control? What limits exist beyond your ability to control?
I cringe whenever I detect controlling behaviors in other people. On the one hand, I feel terrible for them. There is a deep-seated fear driving the need to force another human being to do what you want them to do. The other reason I experience pain observing controlling behaviors is because the person who is demanding compliance is never satisfied with compliance. They continue to demand more. Convinced that the other person’s lack of performance is the source of their unhappiness.
This is a terrible state for the controlling person and for the person married to them. To really understand the wrongness or illegality of control, consider the Garden of Eden. The Creator made the human. The Creator gave the human instructions. The Creator watched—without interference—while the human made a really bad choice.
The Creator did not control His own creation.
But somehow, human beings do not see the law of creation: Human beings were created to exercise choice. So if your Creator does not control you, what gives me the right to control another human being?
Who gave you the right over another person’s autonomy?
So here is the next layer of sadness in a relationship corrupted with control. The person who is the target of control has t make a choice. They can continue to fight and resist. Or they can comply. If they resist, the controlling person becomes more combative, more demanding, more threatening. If they comply, the person who is “submitting” to control becomes resentful. Once the controlling person senses the resentment, they begin finding new demands designed to cure the resentment. But it doesn’t work. You know why?
Because you can’t force somebody to love you. There’s a law here. And when you violate it, you cannot expect contentment from human connection. It’s impossible. Violate the law of free will, and you will find yourself surrounded by people who desire to love you but secretly hate your guts. It’s that simple.
It is not until acts of love are freely given that they are accompanied with the sentiment of love that we are all wired for and deeply desire. Control seeks to manufacture a natural phenomenon. But because it’s artificial, it only produces resentment. And resentment is a slow, raggedy decline of a relationship. It is a death from a thousand cuts.
Are you trying to make somebody love you? Are you attempting to force or manufacture feelings of acceptance, appreciation and commitment? If so, each act of compliance will result only in temporary moments of gratification. The echoing emptiness that follows is what drives you back into the same seek-and-demand pattern that is already robbing you of true connection.
So why not let go?
If they are going to love you, you don’t have to demand it from them. If they are going to be faithful to you, it’s because they want to, not because you threatened them. If they are going to feel safe with you, its because you created the safety when you stopped attempting to run the show. There is no love like that which is freely given. Wouldn’t that (true, enduring) experience be worth it, by letting go of control?
So rather than controlling the other person’s “performance,” why not control your responses? Control the temptation to cuss them out. Control your habitual verbal belittlement of their personhood when they fail your expectation. Control your own power grab and stop frightening them with threats of leaving them. Self-control is the ultimate beauty treatment that attracts boundless love and affection.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
Human connection disclaimer: This post is 100% human curated, and is not generated by Ai.
0 Comments