Why pretty girls take notes from average girls

“Why does it seem that all the fat girls have husbands?” This yucky social media comment was packed with a sad, yet prevailing assumption. Aren’t the pretty girls supposed to get the guys?

First of all, being a big girl myself, I was tickled by the sheer ignorance of the comment. It was as though this mean girl learned all of her relationship skills playing with Barbie and Ken dolls. And maybe that was the case. But the more I’ve navigated the storms of life and marriage, I began noticing a very interesting trend. 

The beauty queens have been taking notes. 

 

Now let’s be clear, I once envied the beauties. In high school. In college. At the club. I missed out on too many moments of my life trying to transform myself into the preestablished standard. And then I realized how much I wasted time.  So the advantage I gained over the pretty girls in society is that I got a head start accepting myself for who I am and investing in developing my eternal qualities which become more beautiful with age.

 

I also began noticing that pretty girls have a very hard curve as they approach their forties. I’ve personally navigated this turn with several lovely ladies who carry the beauty’s burden of onlooker expectations. For beautiful women I’ve worked with, they were surprised to finally see me.  I was unassumingly beautiful. Not obvious at first sight. They just never noticed it until they began taking inventory of all the other women their age. Even more, they were curious about my relationship journey and how I managed to find contentment and laughter. 

 

[Side note: That is the unspoken intrigue I live with daily. He’s fine. I’m fat. We go together.]

 

I digress. The answer is really simple. I was conditioned to speak a certain way and look a certain way to be considered pretty, smart, or valuable. But after carefully examining the validity of the script I was given, I concluded that it was stupid, and I wasn’t going to fight against myself. I was no longer going to mask my distinctly negro tone with the hint of inner city mixed with a dash of southern. I was no longer going to stress myself attempting to lay down kinky hair at my temples. I came here with these kinks. So we’re going to roll with them. 

Essentially, I took small courageous steps to become my dang-gone self. I trashed all of the scripts. And the more I shed the weight of everybody else’s expectations, the lighter I felt. I made a new contract with myself:

And the more I questioned my choices, whether or not they aligned with who I AM, the more I practiced honesty to rid myself of things that simply don’t define me, can’t help me and are not for me. The more I practiced honesty, the happier I became. Happiness is beautiful. And a happy wife is irresistible to her man. 

What’s messed up about the deal pretty girls get in relationships is that people are short-sighted. So when a man marries a beauty who is also a brain, he may not take her seriously when she’s advocating for her point of view. If he values her more for her appearance than for her industriousness, then he may prefer that she be seen and not heard. And then, because her societal value has been dictated by her visual appeal, she has not always been prepared to embrace the other side of mature beauty. She also struggles with not getting what she wants simply because she knows she looks good. And there is a certain type of man who is committed to humbling her from that high horse. This type of man is often vengeful, inflicting adolescent rejection wounds on his woman because of the mean girl who scarred him as a young man.

It is a very juvenile assumption that any “type,” has better odds for love, marriage and happiness. Attempting to understand this from a purely physical analysis will only hurt your feelings. Some men are superficial and treat women as possessions. These men seek younger and prettier when the thrill of the ride has fizzled out. 

 

Solid men, however, want peace. I once had a man share in a group session “I’ll take peace over pretty any day.” This man is attractive. His wife is also a beauty with a bigger body. And what they have both learned is that their good looks are the icing on the cake. Their relationship is built on mutual respect, communication and shared dreams. This type of maturity accepts the fact that your face and body will age. You can waste your time fighting age. Or you can enjoy the time caring for the body you have and appreciating the ageless beauty of conversation, community, and conscientious contribution.

 

I’m not nicer to my husband because I’m fat. I’m not mean to my husband because I know other men are attracted to me. The premise for treating someone with respect or disrespect based on how good your looks are is simply child’s play. I honor my husband because God loves him. I’m kind to my husband because I also require kindness when I fall short. When you value yourself according to your eternal qualities, it’s hard not to have fun in life, love and relationships. 

So for all my pretty girls, beauty queens and baddies—I see you. And I still adore how absolutely stunning you are. But if you are ready to be more than your costume, then refuse to let anybody else reduce you to your looks. Most of you who I have bonded with are freaking brilliant and too many people don’t know that about you.  I mean, really--I’ve never consulted a beauty who did not have big dreams, amazing aspirations, and the brains to match. But when you practice honesty with yourself, you have some decisions to make. Are you living as yourself in your role at home, work or in the community? Or are you playing the part that you were cast for based on your looks?

When you enter the new, better deal from life, accept the terms without fear.  You IS who you is.  And on the other side of fear, you will find life waiting for you with open arms. Go for it. It’s your turn to be more than the skin you’re in.

 

Be blessed and encouraged,

Judge Char