Are you feeling frustrated every time you attempt to have an emotional engagement or conversation with your partner? Do they shut down on you, avoid you or argue with you instead of understand you?
What if I told you all of this could radically change once you master a simple set of conflict resolution skills that many of us were never taught?
When we practice conflict management, we're not always thinking about conflict as a skill set. We're not automatically thinking about the requirement of a game strategy, like playing chess. We often react out of our very, very human emotional space. And when we do that, we actually do more damage to our relationships. Rather, many of us lose the opportunity to build a stronger relationship foundation of understanding and connection.
The second step in effective emotional communication is caring for yourself. You may be saying, “Hey, Char, my problem was with the other person. So why are you telling me to take care of myself?”
Well, the reason is that many people engage confrontation expecting the other person to fix the way they are presently feeling. However, if the other person has not developed the emotional skills necessary to care for you, then you are setting yourself up for extreme disappointment. If the other has not mastered listening to understand, if they are defensive (because they've always been defensive), or your pattern of relating with them is accusatory and they feel attacked by you, then when you come into that conversation with strong emotion, you are setting the relationship up for an explosion. For these reasons, you need to first take care of yourself when you know you're dealing with a defensive or one who is unskilled in emotional communication.
When you know you're dealing with a person who is going to argue back, you do not want to depend on them to take care of you. You want to take care of you. Now, I mentioned taking the time out to ask:
What am I feeling?
Why am I feeling this way?
How can I take care of myself in this moment?
Time Out Method
At the same time you carve out space to check in with yourself, you must communicate to the other person:
I need space right now because I need to care for myself.
You'll be amazed how powerful this statement is for you to take ownership that you are not okay right now, and that you desire to take ownership for putting yourself in a better state of mind. I have also found the following time out statement to be powerfully effective in deeply eroded relationships:
I need space to sort out my thoughts and words because I don’t want to be disrespectful towards you when I express what I’m feeling.
Expectation for Reengagement
How long will you need to sort out your feelings and words? Will you need 15 minutes? Perhaps you need to take 30 minutes? An hour?
Unfortunately, many people live and and endure relationships where they put each other on silent treatment for days and weeks at a time. That's not love. That is a horror movie. It is an intentional infliction of emotional distress..
So what would it look like for each of you to have a conversation that says, “Hey, right now, things are not cool, and I don't really have the words to express to you what's going on. I'm willing to have that conversation with you, but I need to talk to you after I care for myself.”
Making the Most of Your Time Out
Caring for yourself could be taking a walk. You could graba notebook and just write, draw or scribble the feeling that you're expressing. Perhaps you can be take a quick shopping trip or a drive to the park.The most important thing here is to communicate to the other person your need to disengage from the confrontation so that you can return with a better sense of your self in a way that will not make the situation worse in your delivery.
Right now, things are not cool. But before I talk to you about it, I'm going to go care for myself.
This is a very, very powerful way to allow the negative emotion to dissipate before they erupt. Arresting the destructive force of your emotions before they vomit. Place a pause on every disruptive reaction that threatens to blow the roof off of the house. You are absolutely powerful to manage the volatility of that emotion before you come back to the table to seek connection with the other person.
I pray that this is helpful to you, that it makes sense that you'll begin to practice these first two steps. These steps arere about you and not the other person. Begin exercising your personal power to show up in more strength and awareness when you are engaging in conflict.
Be blessed and encouraged.
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