Are you tired of feeling neglected or abandoned every time you are experiencing strong or negative emotion and attempt to have a conversation about it with your partner or loved ones? If you've been feeling more isolated in your emotion and less connected in your affliction, it's simply because you might not have learned a few very simple skills that we've been talking about the past couple of posts. And that is, effective emotional expression.
What most of us had modeled for us is actually the exact opposite of what makes people feel closer to us when we are in pain. Rather than beginning with a confrontation that feels like blame or accusation to the other for what is afflicting you, the first two steps are about your own personal accountability and connection. When done correctly, your partner hears an invitation, rather than an attack.
In the first two steps, you completely own the fact that you are feeling “off.” You may not even have words to accurately express what you feel in the moment. You assume responsibility to take space in order to care for yourself. It is crucial to follow through with these measures before you demand someone else to care for you. This is how you break out of the villain-victim cycle of conflict. This is how you change the belief that another person is the (more powerful) villain and that you are the (powerless) victim. Otherwise, by remaining in victim mode you will instinctively attack your villain from a place of panic, desperation, and survival.
Attacking the perceived villain is logical to the victim-minded because you feel that what they did was purposeful, even malicious. You feel that they want to hurt you. you strongly believe they desire the upper hand on you. While this could be true, the evidence could also show that your conclusions exist primarily in your perception. When you first believe more in your lack of power and the abundance of the advantage or power held by the other person, the odds are that you will instinctively assume the worse about their intentions for the sake of protecting yourself.
The first two steps of effective emotional expression are about you because this is how you reclaim your personal power.
It’s your power to step away from the heat of the moment.
It's your power to put words to your emotion.
It's your power to allow the funk of the negative emotion to dissipate.
It’s your power to reengage with the other from a place of clarity and self awareness..
Inviting Connection
This leads us to step three, where you engage without attack. For illustration, here is an example of emotional expression that invites connection:
Hey, I had to take some time to really kind of think through what I was feeling because I was feeling frustrated when this happened.
Now, that's a lot different than saying:
You made me mad when…
The You Made Me Fallacy
Whenever someone says “you made me mad,” they are lying. You know why this is a false statement?
Because no human being has authority to force me to do what I don't want to do. You can't make me feel any type of way. Rather, you can contribute to my experience. But I have the opportunity in any situation to interpret your behavior and determine my emotional response. I can experience a negative emotion as a result of something you did. But I choose to practice personal discipline over my impulses. I hope you see the difference here. It's about understanding that no other human being has control how you behave—even when they intend a negative reaction from you.
No one makes you feel any kind of way.
No one forces you into an emotional reaction.
You choose to feel, speak and act according to your own conclusions.
Compassionate Confrontation Begins Within
Before you reengage after an episode of strong emotion, you should already had an entire conversation with yourself. Practicing compassion towards yourself involves gentle probing, what am I feeling? How can I take care of myself? Did this person intend to hurt me this way? Was this accidental? Do they even realize what they did?
Even if this investigation renders a 1st degree guilty verdict against the other person, they still don't “make you” just start throwing things. No one makes you do that. You choose to do that. So when you come back with words and you come back having taken care of yourself, and you reengage having allowed the gas from the volcano to vent, rather than erupt, you've allowed the most destructive forces to dissipate, so that you don’t embarrass yourself with an overreaction.
You come back and you engage from a place of ownership.
This is how I'm feeling and it's because when this happened, it communicated this to me. The situation communicated that I'm not important.
Can you see the difference between the ownership modeled expression and the attacking “you don't care about me” reaction?
When that happened, I felt alone and the situation communicated to me that the kids are a priority to you, and not me.
Vs.
“You care more about your kids than you care about me.” [Attack. . . attack. . . attack.]
Self Defense is a Natural Response to Attack
When you have already made a conclusion about another person's intention because of the way that you feel, what are you expecting from the confrontation? Blaming, accusing or attacking is not going to invite connection. Instead, it is going to invite defense. And that is going to create more distance. The distance is why you get less of what you really want from the relationship.
The next time you experience strong emotion, remember these practical steps. First position yourself to match words with what you're feeling. Second, let the room air out while you care for yourself. Finally, express these things with words from a place of personal ownership of your feelings without attacking the other person.
These steps are very simple, but can be excruciating to implement in the heat of the moment. However, with practice, it becomes more of a lifestyle. In time, you will express your emotions more effectively. You will empower yourself to be heard and understood more often. You will exercise more power to minimizing the amount of defensiveness that always seems to make emotionally charged situations absolutely worse.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
Human connection disclosure: This post is 100% human curated and is not generated by Ai.
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