Fight, Run or Meet: 3 Keys to Win-Win in Marriage

In marriage conflict, most people fit into 2 general categories:

The other pattern I noticed over the years is that—more often than not—Kung Fu Fighters marry Olympic Sprinters. And often, the one who is running away from the conflict does not recognize how painful it is to leave the fighter alone in the ring without a solution to the problem. 

Personally, I began to laugh at myself when I realized how providence set me up in such a ridiculous way. I was a runner all my life. I never learned healthy conflict management as a child or young adult. I learned the quickest and most convenient (yet costly) method for resolving differences—cut you off. This left me helpless in marriage. Of all people I could have ever met in my life and married, I married a professional fighter—literally, a Tae Kwan Do national champion. My husband was not only trained for combat, he enjoyed the psychological process of engaging until a “winner” surfaced. It was grueling. And I often found myself darting out of the room, seeking comfort in an escape far, far away from him. 

But when I finally noticed the irony of our different fighting styles, I became curious, intrigued by the elements of our battleground. 

When I carefully considered his position, I was confronted with the truth—I  was hurting him, too. The Kung Fu Fighter can be easily misunderstood as “the bad guy” for wanting to engage, no matter what. But when you consider the motivation of this fighting style, it is usually the opposite of what it appears. What most Kung Fu Fighters want is to get back to loving again, to not waste time dwelling in hurt feelings. 

Recognizing how my behavior hurt my husband, I decided to become more intentional to “duke it out” with him. At first, it was grueling. We found it necessary to utilize the “time out” method a lot. This is where you agree to take a break (typically, 15 – 30 minutes) from the conversation when it is escalating to the point of disrespect, attack, or aimlessness. After the break, you resume the conversation and work towards a win-win resolution. 

After many years of pastoral counseling, expensive therapy, and couples coaching, here is what we found works most effectively for managing the difference in our fighting styles.

1. Practice forgiveness—like your life depends on it. We are all wired for justice. So when we feel attacked, betrayed, minimized, or offended in any way, we naturally want to be restored from the injury we experienced. Unforgiveness is a cheap substitute, a form of instant gratification, to feel an immediate sense of justice. You have probably heard this a thousand times, but the law is universally true. The person who is unforgiving drinks poison, waiting for the other person to die. Iven if you still feel wounded, decide to forgive them, and your feelings will catch up later. 

 

2. Choose a meeting location. Setting a time and space where you engage for working things out cannot be overlooked. Yelling across the house, hissing out a snarky comment as you leave the room, or refusing to talk at all are common maladjustments in conflict that only make things worse. Having a meeting spot for tense discussions sets the tone of a “business meeting.” You are both here to get the job done. You are on the same team. You both want to feel loved and accepted. The issue between you is the target to be attacked, not your Sweetie Pie. 

 

3. Respect and practice communication boundaries. Nothing gets addressed if no one is listening. Most people will overrate their own listening skills. I can recall only once that a husband admitted, “she’s a really good listener, I’m not.” But developing this level of self-awareness is a huge investment in your connection with your Sugar Plum. My husband and I use these listening and speaking reminders with the #1 mediation tool which is often overlooked in intimate negotiations.  This method keeps you on task and protects the mission of the meeting. Invite your Sweetheart to give them a try and see if they help you the way they have helped us and our clients. 

 

I know how awfully painful conflict cycles and unresolved conflict can be. I delivered 3 different sets of divorce papers to my husband during my 8-year stint as the “runaway bride.” I was desperate for change because I felt destroyed by our inability to connect. However, the good news is: you don’t have to wait for your partner to change. You have so much power—independent of your partner’s cooperation—to become the miracle you have been praying for in your marriage. So if your partner is not willing to give this a try, don’t give up. When I decided to actively modify my own style, my husband remained predictably grounded in his old techniques. Yet, over time, my attitudes and methods began to rub of on him. He now gives me credit for how much more effective his is, now that he has learned to fight with a different type of finesse he learned from me. 

You don’t have to wait for their change so that you can be happy. Choose happiness. Decide to grow in your personal areas of opportunity. Show up in your marriage less predictable, and more empowered and allow your partner the space they need to process the miracle you are becoming.

 

Be blessed and encouraged, 

Judge Char