Do you feel like every time you attempt to share your goals with your partner or loved one or a friend, more oftentimes than not, you find yourself explaining what you really mean because they're not understanding you? Perhaps they are confused by your choice of words?
This may indicate an unresolved internal conflict. What if I told you that the key to finding the win-win with the other person is possible only after you have resolved the fight within yourself?
Principles for Resolving Internal conflict
In the world of conflict resolution, one of the key guiding principles is that there's always a win-win. The issue is that many people come into conflict wanting the other side to move before they themselves are willing to make a move. And when you begin your conflict resolution strategy expecting the other person to change their position first, then you're setting yourself up for more frustration. This is because you are attempting to protect your own position without taking a risk.
What's actually more powerful and effective is to first get absolutely clear on your own goals.
This is the compassionate confrontation I talk about. Often we seek cheerleaders. What we really desire is an amen-corner to agree with our perspective based on the way that we are feeling. We connect most with people who sympathize with the way we are experiencing our relationships. The problem with this advisory mechanism is that an echo chamber will always fail to confront your blind spots. They will hesitate to mention, or totally ignore when you're saying two things that are inherently contradictory or inconsistent.
As the old folks used to say, “you're talking out of both sides of your mouth.”
The role of the conflict resolution expert is to help you see your own conflict. The skillful listener will point out how you are communicating two very different and conflicting goals. The reason you keep doing this is because you haven't first defined your goals with clarity within yourself. You have not addressed a deep insecurity, fear, or had an honest self-assessment concerning your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities in your current situation.
You feel strongest when you hide what you are afraid of.
Perhaps you haven’t found the words to articulate the true conflict within. Ask yourself, What is it that I really want here? What is it that I'm actually afraid of? What is it that makes me feel insecure in this relationship that I don't want the other person taking advantage of?
Many times the things that we perceive as weaknesses or as vulnerabilities are actually the key to finding the win-win. By confronting our own fear and acknowledging it in a conflict actually removes the crippling concern that someone else will exploit our disadvantage. By facing the thing that makes us feel weak, we overcome the fear of appearing weak to others.
The key to overcoming the fear that is blocking your connection with others is to admit to yourself that you are afraid, and that is natural, human. It’s okay to feel afraid.
You can remind yourself, It’s okay to feel insecure right now. Is it more valuable to protect myself and cover up what is frightening? Is it worth sacrificing this relationship for? Or is my relationship worth revealing my position?
And this doesn't always mean that you have to come out and put all of your business out on front street.
Besides, even when showing your cards, you stil want to be strategic about it. However, the key consideration that I want to emphasize here is clarity. You are saying things to the other person and they feel confused because you still don’t have clarity within yourself.
And that is why it may be time for you to have a staff meeting with yourself and to get overwhelmingly clear: What are my top three goals? What are the three things that I want to have? What is my deal breaker, my non-negotiable here?
And limit your non-negotiables to two things.
A lot of times we come into conflict with a laundry list, 20 items of deal breakers. And we convince ourselves that somehow we can still attain a win-win by bending the other side to our demands.
That is just an unrealistic place to start from.
Clarify your top three goals. Limit yourself to two non-negotiables. Utilize this systematic approach to clarity with yourself before reengaging with the other side. That way you will have a better opportunity to discover that win-win you both truly desire.
Be blessed and encouraged.
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