Signs your contract needs a redesign
Ask any lawyer who has been practicing business law or family law in any capacity, and they will tell you. . .
Every one of these relationships that come into litigation are based on and often resolved by contracts.
When putting the contractual nature of our relationships into perspective, we unlock unlimited possibilities. Understanding the fundamentals of contract law provides more leverage in recognizing where challenges in our relationships are not always about the way we are feeling in any given moment. Viewing our relationship challenges from a contract analysis empowers us to redesign or revisit the contract that connects us in the relationship.
One of the signs your contract may need to be revisited, modified, or redesigned is that there are misunderstandings happening more frequently.
If you find yourself having misunderstandings around the same issue on a weekly or even a daily basis, this denotes a communication mismatch. The reason is that you are each understanding things differently. You are each expecting something different. So when this particular subject comes up, conflict results, because there's not a meeting of the minds, as we say in contract law.
Are we defining things the same way?
Do we agree on the way that we are defining things?
Are we both agreed on the terms of our contract?
Miscommunication friction often results when an issue is not something that we anticipated before we entered into a particular arrangement. Perhaps we did not see in the future far enough, so only now has it become a necessary conversation. I'm approaching it based on my understanding, needs and expectations. You're approaching it based on yours.
So maybe it's time for us to sit down at the table and really hash out what we both need and how we can reach a win-win around this situation.
Another sign that it may be time for a contract redesign is when you are feeling overwhelmed. This results when you look at your contribution in a particular area of life and you feel that you are carrying a lot more weight than the other person. This stirs up negative emotion, resentment, and even passive aggression when a person perceives unfairness, or is simply overburdened during any particular season of life.
You then look over across the table at the other person’s plate. They have some bandwidth, some room between the mash potatoes and sweet peas to place a little more meatloaf. Couldn’t they help carry a little more of the load? This is another sign that you may need to redesign the contract. Set a meeting and have a conversation about the weight that you are carrying. Ask for help.
I know that asking for help can be really hard for both men and women.
Many people default to pride in response to feeling overburdened. They tell themselves:
No, I can handle it…
I got it…
I'm okay, it’s no big deal…
But when you are feeling overwhelmed in a relationship contract, then your wellness, and the health of the relationship are both at risk. Feeling overwhelmed is a big deal. And you should never feel pressured to handle that all on your own. So it is worth the investment of developing a more keen self awareness—and willingness to talk about—when you are overwhelmed.
Maybe you've bitten off more than you can chew.
Maybe you're taking on too many new things at one time.
Perhaps the burden of this issue needs to be redistributed within the family.
Whatever the case, your sense of being overwhelmed is another sign that it’s time for a family meeting. Even if the situation involves a coworker, supervisor or friend, find the courage for a compassionate confrontation. After accepting your own limitations, let the other person know that you are struggling, where you can appreciate a helping hand, and invite them to help you.
One final sign that your contract may need to be redesigned is that you recognize that certain topics are not being addressed and remain chronically unresolved. Sometimes life deals us a set of challenges we cannot resolve right away. That is natural. Sometimes, the passage of time gives the right amount of space and opportunity for things to work themselves out, or for a more mature version of yourself and your partner to sit down and tackle the matter together.
Not everything is urgent. Neither should you approach negotiations with a list of 20 non-negotiables. Ask yourself:
On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is this issue to my ability to function day-to-day?
When scheduling your meeting, it is best to limit your deal-breakers to two, and to keep the agenda limited to one issue per meeting. For women, this is especially challenging because every issue has a connection point in our consciousness. However, any mediator will tell you the effectiveness of tackling one issue at any given time. In fact, some issues remain unresolved because you are trying to include it with multiple other issues, like you are writing the Big Beautiful Bill or something.
Keep it singular. Resolve one issue at a time and build an entire Lego city, one small brick at a time.
Understanding these signs helps prepare your heart and mind for the meeting. You are in a better position to discover a meeting of the minds so that you can have harmony in this relationship. I know that it doesn't always feel touchy feely or warm and fuzzy to talk about these very legal and strategic aspects of intimate relationships. But with practice, you will find the more we respect the legal operations of life within love, the better we can navigate conflict when it eventually happens.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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