Do you have an overwhelming sense that things are not fair in your relationship? Whether you ask the right questions, approach at the right time, things just never seem to work out the way you were hoping that they would. What if I told you that the key to experiencing more clarity and empowerment in your relationship is rooted in fundamental principles of contract law?
I love contract law. We all are involved in contracts by the time we reach our teens. As parents, we even negotiate with very young children. We often have these contracts that we enter into, like, “Hey, if you do this, then I'll do that.” Contract negotiation is the most ancient form of human interdependence. However, the problem is that most people—especially in intimate conflict—do not consciously consider or actively analyze our relationships as legally binding contracts.
So when we run into friction, when we are involved in a situation where we feel taken advantage of, then the underlying cause is often rooted in an overlooked contract issue. What is a contract?
A contract is an exchange of promises.
Concerning something specific.
And there's a little give and take on both sides.
That is the most basic understanding upon which contract law is built. One of the biggest mistakes in how we navigate relationship contracts in our personal world is that we are not always defining what it is we actually agree to. In our intimate spaces, there is a lot of pressure to keep people happy, right? To make sure we don't cause any waves—even at the expense of clearly communicating our needs and expectations.
And in the world of conflict resolution, working through conflict to gain clarity is a really big opportunity to convene a business meeting for the future of the relationship.
The same effort and business approach in which we pursue clarity in the marketplace, at work, in the office, at your business is the same effort we should apply when seeking to gain clarity at home.
The second big mistake is assumptions. These give rise to implied contracts, which are closely related to contracts lacking clarity of terms.
An implied contract happens under the law when over time the parties engage in certain types of behavior,--even when they never spoke about it.
Even when they never wrote it down..
The parties behave a certain way even if they never signed off, that “this is the way we do things together.”
In law, we call this behavior a course of conduct.
My favorite example of an implied contract gone wild is when I first began homeschooling back in 2020. I was very excited to show up for my child in a different way. Virtual learning was a disaster. We were all there—so I don’t have to go into the gory details of what we survived in 2020. For my family, we began this journey of my entrepreneurship and my child's homeschool at the same time in the very same season of life.
After about three months, I found that I hated the thought of food. I hated the imminent need for grocery shopping. I began feeling stressed whenever it was time to prepare meals. What I didn't understand or realize at the time was that I had not calculated the additional lunch shift that I picked up.
As the principal and head teacher of our homeschool, I was responsible for feeding our kiddo in the middle of the day. This was a responsibility I used to outsource to his school. And it was stressing me out. So I approached my husband. I said to him, “Hey, can we have a contract talk? I need to renegotiate my deal.”
He was perplexed. So I asked, “I want to know when did we agree that I would be the only one that did the grocery shopping, the meal preparation, and the cooking?”
He responded, “Oh, I thought you enjoyed grocery shopping and cooking.”
You see, there was an implied contract between us. It wasn't until I brought it to my husband’s attention, until I advocated for my needs as circumstances were changing within our family, that we both faced the need for a renegotiation. He had no need to think about the issue before it started stressing me out to the point of seeking his help. He did not automatically realize the opportunity to step up his involvement and his effort. Our contract renegotiation presented him the beautiful opportunity to show up for our family at a different level. At the time I was ready to blow a gasket, the solution to our family’s harmony was a compassionate confrontation with myself (Girl! You are NOT superwoman.) and an invitation to my husband to renegotiate our respective share of responsibility.
Of course, I came jokingly, and light-hearted when I brought the issue to my husband. We can engage in these discussions and we can open negotiation with a non-threatening strategy. Be open and inviting—even when the conflict has you on the edge of sanity. This way, we develop new connection around team problem-solving.
If you are struggling in any of your relationships, at home, work, or whether it be within one of your friendships, then maybe it's time to examine your contract for renegotiation.
What is it that you agree to in your relationship? What defines your relationship? What is the expectation that the other person has on how you show up in the relationship? Have you ever really talked about it? Have you ever specified the terms of your relationship? I hope that this conversation helps you to look at your relationship challenges in a more disciplined framework.
It's tempting to want to be emotional and touchy feely about our intimate relationships. A contract analysis, rather than emotional reactivity can seem cold. But the reality is that contracts which are well-thought and clearly written are the foundation of happy, harmonious relationships in general. I pray that you take this to heart. I challenge you to examine the terms of any relationship that's feeling tense, and see if you might be able to redesign your deal.
Be blessed and encouraged,
Judge Char
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