A disagreement can go from zero to raggedy in five seconds flat, depending on your development of this. 100% absolutely necessary skillset in navigating being a human being in a world with other humans.
And that is how to apologize.
Elements of a proper apology
Before we get into the number one, worst way to ever apologize to a person, I'd like to quickly cover common issues that often show up and cause deterioration, more hurt, more misunderstanding, and ultimately leads to breakups in many relationships.
Do you feel like life is so boring that you're just ready to throw in the towel on it all and start something new, exciting, or even dangerous? Do you find that your husband is boring? That his routine is unstimulating and that you just need an edge of excitement, a change of scenery, a change of pace?
If this sounds like you and the routine of the quietness and the predictability has you ready to scream and run away from home, then it could be that you have been living in a state of hypervigilance.
ina Turner sang it best:
We don’t need another hero.
Who is the hero in the narcissistic abuse love triangle? For some, it’s a therapist. For others, a parent or spiritual leader. Still for others, the hero is an alter-ego. But why do you feel the need to be “saved” from your experience of narcissistic abuse?
Who is the most sympathetic person in the conflict cyclone commonly referred to as narcissistic abuse? The first rule of conflict resolution requires a thorough analysis of both sides of the story. However, few people, when introduced to a narcissist by their victim’s narrative, ever take the time to ask the most important question:
How many “villains” are involved in this situation?
The narcissistic abuse experience involves two contracts. The first, the victim agreement. This contract is created by an individual’s belief they are powerless against their abuser.
When the narrative is driven by the victim, the villain in this relationship is very obvious. However, the closer you observe the behavior of the victim, the second villain comes into focus.
Are you struggling in your marriage, trapped in an experience that feels like narcissistic abuse? Would your partner describe you as narcissistic, and even accuse you of being the abuser who is constantly gaslighting them? If you and your partner take turns being the victim of abuse and dishing out your respective share of defensiveness, stone-walling, and accusation, then you may be a party to a victim-villain agreement.
A villain-victim contract is the machinery of rhe narcissistic abuse experience. This particular conflict cycle requires a villain and a victim. The challenge is, however, is that most people in this type of relationship perceive themselves as the victim. This reveals the first contractual agreement that forms the “cyclone” of narcissistic abuse.
The Victim Contract
The person who is convinced they are being abused by a narcissist becomes hyper-focused on the behavior of their abuser. This focus often leads the abused to conclude that their partner lacks empathy. Because the abuser lacks empathy, they gaslight the abused, deflecting from being accountable for their own behavior which the abused person consistently complains about.
