INTRODUCTION
Looking up from the bottom bunk of life
The law I am about to unveil is one of the most powerful resources you have access to. It is literally a legal mechanism you have been operating under your entire life. However, when you reposition yourself with awareness and intentionality, this principle of life possesses the power to radically transform your future. It is the invisible engine operating in the background of virtually every form of self-help, healing, and personal evolution you will ever encounter.
As you read, I want you to take notes. The foundational formula governing your existence is this:
The Law of Connection
O + Y = C
Offer + Yes = Connection/Contract
Every single day, we are inviting, negotiating, accepting, and rejecting contracts.
We typically think of contracts in terms of signed, formal documents: buying a house, purchasing a car, or entering a corporate deal. But every app you download is a contract. Every time you say 'yes,' or 'okay' to another person’s invitation, you are bound to the terms and conditions of that invitation. Even the Constitution of the United States of America is a contract between the government and its people. And you say “yes” to this relationship every time you vote, utilize governmental services, or write a letter to your representative.
The biggest problem we have within our human connections—relationships—with one another, is when we do not experience mutual benefit from the contract that connects us. Many of us value the bonds and connections we hold with others more than the connection we have with our own subconscious minds. But this begs a fundamental question: How do you form a healthy, binding relationship with another person before you have entered a healthy, binding relationship with yourself?
The invitation extends the offer
Human beings long for connection with one another. We accomplish these connections through the process of making and accepting invitations (offers). When your request is met by my “yes,” we form a relationship contract. This is a legally binding connection between us. It is also created when you respond “yes” to my invitation, or renegotiation of your original request. We even have binding terms after we tweak the invitation on each side until it seems like a good fit for both of us. The terms we agree upon become the legal engine that keeps us connected or contractually bound in the relationship.
“Yes” is written, spoken or by implication
When a contract is in writing, like a mortgage, car loan, or operating agreement, this is known as an express agreement. Most people think of contracts only in written form. Contracts are also commonly oral, or spoken in nature. When you promise a child to pay them an allowance, tell your partner you will grab dinner on the way home, or say, “I’ll call you right back” (creating an expectation to await your call), you have bound yourself to terms and conditions in an oral contract.
Agreements by implication, or implied agreements are formed by human behavior. What we “usually do,” “mostly do,” or “used to do” form the basis for expectations we set for one another. In contract law, we call this course of conduct. So even when you did not sign your name to a written contract or literally say “yes” to a specifically defined invitation to terms, your conduct is your “yes.” This book will challenge you to explore every “yes” you have given, are giving right now, and what you will decide to give in exchange for connection with other people.
Consider your contribution as the binder
In contract law, consideration is the exchange of value. What creates the connection in your relationship contract is your promise or performance of a promise. In relationships, there may be mutual consideration. Often, conflict arises because of an actual or perceived imbalance of exchanged value. Whether the promise is written, spoken or implied, the existence of expectation in your relationship forms the potential reward center for sustainable peace or battleground for acts of war.
When a person seeks connection with others without first developing self-awareness and true, authentic internal connection, they are not in the best position to negotiate at 'arm’s-length' and contract with others for mutually beneficial consideration. Legally speaking there is no arms-length power or influence in a contractual relationship where there is an extreme imbalance of power which may render the resulting agreement voidable or unenforceable. When a person lacks the requisite internal connection, they are less equipped to resist coercion or recognize manipulation, they exist in a chronic state of internal and interpersonal conflict. Consequently, a “yes” secured through power and pressure is the primary ingredient for toxic resentment. The presence, or consistent presence of resentment causes failure of consideration. Once consideration fails, the bonds of connection weaken. Left unchecked without some form of renegotiation, amendment, or cure, this will ultimately result in total failure of the relationship contract.
Why do people fight? Why do relationships fracture and collapse? Because of breach.
Breach is the breaking of a promise or an expectation. It introduces friction, alienation, and disconnection. Wherever there is conflict in your life, there is an underlying breach of a written, spoken, or implied agreement.
The Architecture of a Breach
The first time I committed a major breach in my own life, I was a high school freshman. The nurses in the emergency room at South Florida’s Hollywood Memorial Hospital were stern with me. I was still avoiding the confrontation, still terrified of this conversation.
I called my mom at work. She left me at home because she thought I needed a sick day from school. When she answered, and while the nurses stood guard with their arms folded and giving me the stank eye, I told her: “I just had a baby.”
I was a frightened, overwhelmed fourteen-year-old. And after hiding the full-term of my pregnancy, hoping it would just go away, I had finally let the cat out of the bag.
Long before that life-altering moment as an unwed teenage mother, my parents had extended an offer: they would provide for my college education in exchange for my pursuit of a career as a lawyer. I accepted with my “yes” in the form of maintaining good grades. My parents and teachers constantly praised me for my academic achievement and good behavior. So I upheld appearances of outstanding character with my reputation as the “nerdy Bible girl,” who was a teacher’s pet and an obnoxious goodie-two-shoes who once relished being a tattle tale.
Once I matriculated to middle school, however, I was distracted by a variety of teenage tomfoolery. I didn’t like being the teacher’s pet as much as I longed to fit in with my peers who I used to snitch on. I was consumed with wanting to be liked by the popular girls, mean girls, and cute boys. Distracted, and internally conflicted with romance and the pursuit of a relationship, I lost sight of my future. Perhaps I was maturing too fast. And I’m not certain my parents were emotionally ready to see me as a puzzle of pubescent peculiarity. But instead of speaking openly about my emotions and social pressure, I just decided to handle it on my own in a sneaky secret world where I didn’t have to risk disappointing everyone’s expectations. Instead, I found myself pregnant. My duality was a profound breach. I wanted the security of my parents’ offer and their approval while living a hidden life which conflicted with our core values as a family. I breached the connection with myself by living a lie until my water broke, exposing my private world to our entire community.
When a breach occurs, what most people want is a restoration of connection. But we often demand it by expecting the other person to make the first move, sacrifice the most, or pay the full price. We attempt to force connection through demands. Demands for punishment, attempts to control others, and fear of being injured again lead to friction and frustration. Left unchecked, this results in cycles of conflict that damage everyone who gets too close to the aggrieved parties and their suffering.
My family’s immediate response to my breach was control. My dad insisted I drop out of high school, get a job at Publix, and accept my ruined life. Between the ages of 15 and 17, my parents kicked me and my young child out of the house more times than I can recall. Because I did not know how to heal the breach, I accepted my dad's implicit offer: Go and accept your punishment and live the life of debt and survival now that you have ruined everything.
I set out to find a man to rescue me and my baby. Soon, I had a second child with a man who I verbally abused. Then he cheated on me. We broke up in the middle of my pregnancy. My second pregnancy infuriated my father even more. His heart was broken as well as his hope for my future. Having lost his confidence and support, I saw myself as an absolute disappointment and failure. I stopped pursuing my dreams. My only obvious option was to focus on survival, navigating public benefits and living on the margins as a teenage reject.
Your behavior is binding you to this relationship . . .
