INTRODUCTION:
The Secret I Kept in the Courtroom
Why the Legal System Fails Families
Any lawyer who has practiced family law for more than five years has seen the sad reality. The legal system is a revolving door. It is driven by a culture of conflict. It is not equipped or designed to address the root of conflict. The limitations of the court system sets families up from the very beginning to fight until a winner is left standing. It is literally called the adversarial system of justice.
So how is this good for families? Ever?
I recently had a sad phone call from a client who expected “justice.” After 20 years of fighting, more than two decades of posturing, an ex-wife was finally exhausted. She was left to bury the hatchet only after learning about her ex husband’s untimely death. She lamented, “He finally got the last laugh.” I felt for her. But she was the same client who expected the system to have magical powers. As much as I counseled and attempted to redirect her to see that she was the source of peace and justice, she refused. She totally expected lawyers, judges, contempt filings, and other legal maneuvers to “teach him a lesson.”
“This is not justice, Miss Sherlyn,” she finally accepted defeat.
The American legal system was designed for battles between companies, not families. Although some jurisdictions have responded with great effort to meet the growing demand on the family courts, the litigation system serves up more suffering for families than justice. Former lovers are postured as opponents. Children are forced through the sausage grinder of hearing the gory details. Well-meaning friends and family members are all legal experts from their Google searches and discussions with Chat GPT.
The system is broken, ya’ll.
Since 2021, I have been sounding this alarm to anyone who would listen. In fact, if I were not in the position to see the destruction–how the future relationships of parents and children are permanently altered–I would have probably fast-tracked my own divorce.
There is more than 1 path to peace, justice and resolution of conflict. The problem is that mainstream media has emphasized the “lawyer-up” as the primary and most desirable approach to resolving conflict. Most family lawyers I know really don’t like their clients. Often the client is in fight mode, showing up in their scorn and bitterness. The lawyer quickly becomes the villain once the legal bills rack up beyond $30K. What disgusts me the most is that the business model for divorce practice has little to no incentive to emphasize mediation or other ADR efforts unless or until their clients have run out of money.
Family court is a Suffering Industrial Complex.
I won’t deny there are certain types of situations and certain types of people who need the brutality of this system to hold them accountable. But outside of this exception, it is my professional opinion fueled with my compassion for humanity that 90% of family disputes can and should be handled by community centers such as churches, mediation centers, or other institutions dedicated to stabilizing communities through the practice of fairness and justice.
The judge does not have the same love for your family, nor the intimate details to dictate your future in a way that is best for everyone.
The lawyer does not have more power than you have to advocate for your needs in a way that preserves love and dignity for your family.
And the average working American does not have a reality check how truly expensive it is to hold grudges and pursue punishment when human beings fall short, betray one another, or fall out of love.
Whatever justice means to you, the reason why the legal system is failing to deliver is because it simply cannot care as much as your family truly needs.
True justice, in fact, begins with you.
My personal journey from power struggle to peace
For 8 years of my practice as a divorce lawyer, I had a secret. I lived vicariously through thousands of my own clients. Week after week, year after year, I inwardly applauded their determination to escape the bonds of marriage. I offered no judgment, no condemnation. To be clear, I’m still non-judgmental when it comes to people’s personal choices. However, during this season of my life, career, and marriage, divorce drew me as the only escape from a painful marriage.. . .
PART I
How to Check IN with Yourself
(The Legal Discovery Phase)
Before you can depose the defendant (your spouse), you must conduct discovery on the plaintiff (you). This is the hard work of turning your legal mind inward.
Step 1: What is the end goal you truly desire?
(Think Like a Lawyer: Define Your Desired Outcome/Judgment)
Most people desire to "win" the fight. But what does winning actually look like in your life? Do you desire peace? Do you desire reconciliation? Do you desire an amicable co-parenting relationship? If the answer is merely to prove your spouse is wrong, you will lose the war. Write down your ideal outcome, divorced from their actions. This becomes your objective standard.
Step 2: What are your unmet needs?
(Think Like a Lawyer: Identify the Breach of Contract)
Conflict is often a noisy protest over unmet needs. When you feel powerless or angry, your brain is sending an alarm signal. Is the unmet need safety, certainty, love, significance, or variety? List the specific things you are demanding from your spouse/partner. Be honest about what you are currently seeking from them that you are not receiving.
Step 3: What needs are solely your responsibility?
(Think Like a Lawyer: Analyze the Contractual Obligation)
If you are waiting for your partner to give you peace, confidence, or security, you are giving them control over your emotional state. This is a fatal flaw in the emotional contract. Of the needs listed in Step 2, which ones can only be filled by you (e.g., spiritual fulfillment, self-worth, physical health)? Draw a legal line in the sand: what are the needs you must meet for yourself, regardless of your spouse's actions? This is where your personal power is restored.
Professional Resource
For guided assistance through the exact legal framework practiced by every attorney, access our FIRAC For Families Digital Conflict Analysis Tool by visiting . . .
